Hi all, this is my first post in the forums. I apologize for my bad english, it's been too long since I last practiced it.
I've read Steve's blog for a while now and find some of the articles just absolutely clever. Some of them quite inspirational for my own life. But this one was just a bullet to my heart. I'll explain myself.
I'm a 22 year old architect student and I live in Spain. I'll give you some more background: I've never known what I wanted to study, which my career would be or what I wanted to do as a job. I didn't know what I was good at. I liked writing, I liked drawing, I liked thinking, photography, computers, reading... But I didn't feel like I was good at any of my skills. I wanted to do something creative, I felt it in my inside, but I somehow knew that I wasn't going to be as good as some other people I knew at it. I wasn't a bad student, but I didn't study much.
Then I decided to go for architecture. It thought it was going to be dificult but I would like it. I still don't know I made the right choice, because If I give it up I don't know what I would do know instead of it.
I started my first year and after a few months at university my father died. He was the one that was there to male sure that I did the right thing. From then on I was free to decide what I'd do, make my choices with no one interfering. My mom would never ask me to study if was watching the tv or playing games. I started going out with a boy on a long-term relashionship for the first time and that was the only thing I wanted to do. The first four years at university where almost useless for me as a student and I got a routine of not going to class when I felt I didn't want to.
Now I got a job at one of my teacher's office. At first it was awesome. I was doing real architecture and learning a lot. However I feel guilty because I think I'm not right for the job because I've learned so little from my classes. That is making me bad at work and my boss is starting to br aware of it.
I don't know what I want to do with my life. I feel useless and trapped. I'm happy with my boyfriend, I really love him. I love spending my time with him. There are other things that make me feel good. I have a blog (wich I have recently abandoned) and I started to learn CSS and HTML by myself. I did a bit of my boss' website as part of my job. Still I don't feel I'm good at it, no one thaught me what I know now and I still have a lot to learn. I like doing many things I'm not doing. When I go home back from work I don't want to do anything. I just sit on my mac and play world of warcraft. I like it to, I have friends there and I have fun, and my boyfriends plays it too. But I don't do anything else. I don't blog, I don't study, I don't go out with friends... I only go to my boyfriend's house and play WoW there or I'm just with him. He broke his arm recently and he's not in the mood of going out too much.
It's not like I'm depressed or something, because I feel quite happy for what I have. I just feel guilty that I'm wasting beautiful years of my life doing nothing and I'm getting used to it. I feel like I have no strength to make the move and go out from the pit I've thrown myself into. And I'm quite aware of that, and that makes my feel worse.
Look at me, I'm here, writing this in a forum waiting for someone I don't know and who doesn't know me to give me the answer and tell me what to do. Because I can't do it by myself and being aware of my problem it's driving me nuts.  |