[Natsu]

I feel totally identified with that post. At times.

I try to find my own career path in-between odd jobs, which my family doesn't like much. They want me to settle down, get a stable job, you know the tune. Whenever I find a temporary odd job to make ends meet, I'm always wanting my contract to end so I can go back to my drawings, my writings and my political stances. And the job goes OK as long as I know it's going to be over some day. When I have free time, however, I can't focus on one of my interests, and in the end I haven't managed yet to be a genius artist, a genius writer or a genius politician (still working on it, though). When money runs out, I go for a job again for a time. And whenever I find a job which has the possibility of being stable, I attract disgrace.

Honestly, I haven't managed to make the law of attraction work for the good, but for the bad, my goodness does it work! Basically, it makes my car crash down. When I'm focusing on my art, or working a temp job, everything goes fine. But whenever I get a job which threatens to be stable, and feel pressured by friends and family to keep it... I try to convince myself that I need the job, that I'm going to stay, that this last one isn't that bad, that it's going to be OK, I discipline myself into doing well on a work I don't like and I feel shackled to by family duty. Twice I managed to do so. Twice, I got a car breakdown that simply swept away all the money I had earned at the job (thrice, in fact). I don't believe in the law of attraction... but for bad things how well it works! It's practically automatic!

This second time I felt threatened to be stuck in a job I don't like (I'm still working here), I was specially careful with the car, so I wouldn't have economical problems with it. I disciplined myself into being overtly cautious so this time my not-wanting to do the job wouldn't interfere with my need of the paycheck. Well, the universe took care of things in the shape of a gas-station worker who put gasoline in my diesel engine. The price of the repairs is going to be otrageous, and the whole motor is practically destroyed, because coincidentally, I filled it when it was almost empty. Something I never do.These coincidences... Repairs are going to cost like three month's wages. I never believed in the law of attraction, but sometimes I feel the universe slaps me when it thinks I'm not doing things correctly. The car got broken after the gasoline incident. I got it out of the repairing shop yesterday, and three hours after, it wouldn't work and the engine smoked. And very next thing I see after the breakdown van carries me home, is Steve's post. Yeah, it can be a coincidence. Another one to the list. But I can't ignore coincidences when they cost money, I need those damn euros to pay the bills... And this time it wasn't subconscious boycott, unless I am a subconscious telepath and sent waves of need for failure to the gas station worker. Which would be most cool if it wasn't that expensive. Argh.

I just wonder why it works for bad things and not for the good ones. I've been told that I shouldn't try to do drawings, writings and politics all at once. That I should choose ONE career choice. Point is, I don't want to. I mean, choosing one career and closing the door to the other activities I enjoy and feel right doing feels so disempowering and wrong. Why can't one have three careers at once? It's not like Leonardo was a specialist, either... Sorry, this post is not about law of attraction, but about wrong career choices.

Anyway... For some reason I never get to the state of apathy when I try to dumbforce myself into an unfulfilling career. I just get angsty, unhappy, depressed... and kicked in the ass by either fortune, fate, destiny or the universe, whatever. I just wish the universe would be more helpful about what I want to do... Maybe it just doesn't allow betrayals for the sake of the mortgage.

Bah, don't pay me much attention. Maybe it's just coincidence. I don't hate this job that much. I can do some drawings and get paid for it... still, supposedly, if I could stay fifty years working here I should count myself lucky, everyone says. And yet the prospect of spending three more years here gives me shudders... to think of retiring in this job is scary. I sometimes feel like screaming "I want out!" So I must be doing something wrong.