cdn, you sound like my dad
Seriously - that may have been my (possibly lame) attempt to inject some humour into this, but your situation reminded me of his (not exactly, but there are some parallels) and I felt like I needed to tell you his story (I promise to keep it brief!).
My dad is a brilliant artist. When he was younger he was accepted to study at the Royal Academy (in England), a huge honour. But, his dad wouldn't pay for it because art wasn't the type of career path that he'd envisioned for his son. So my dad suppressed his artistic side and did all sorts of other things. By the time I was born he had settled on being an estate agent. He eventually opened his own business (in South Africa), which was successful until his partner defrauded him and he had to declare bankruptcy. He returned to England, couldn't find work because he was "too old" (he was about 50 at the time). He eventually found work designing kitchens (finally, some glimmer of artistic skill in his career
) - then that company went under and he was without work. Again, long period of unemployment, eventually leading to a second bankruptcy. Now, at 59, he's finally found work as a kitchen designer again, but... he's not happy. He's never been happy in any of his jobs - not surprising, really, given that he's never given himself the chance to follow his true path. Like you, he keeps diving into "anything that comes up and where they'll have him" because he's scared of not having income again, based on his past experiences with unemployment and bankruptcy. The irony (to me at least) is that if, 20 years ago (10 even), he'd taken a year or two to get himself set up, he'd probably be a very successful artist now.
This, being my background (my mom and dad are divorced - my mom's example has been to cling to a job she only marginally likes for 25 years because she's scared of letting go of the steady paycheck to follow her dreams - her favourite phrase is "when I win the lottery, then I'll do X..."), I was terrified when I came to the conclusion that I had to leave my safe job, terrified to follow my dreams of being more and having more. I didn't want to end up bankrupt like my dad, yet nor did I want to end up bitter like my mom. Hence my own version, the balanced approach - to save like crazy so that I could support myself until my business took off. Even so I ran out of money, but by then I had tasted my new life enough that I couldn't go back. I am very grateful that it all worked out and that I now know what is possible.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand where you are (maybe not perfectly, but certainly to some extent) and I feel for you. Even more than that, I applaud you - for your honesty in writing about what is something difficult for you, and for your courage to keep on going and to keep growing.
I sense your despair when you say you may not literally survive another period of unemployment. I was thinking the other day that, even though my dad's unwillingness to follow his heart sometimes frustrates me, I have certainly learned from his unwitting example and changed my life accordingly. Yet, his continual resilience in the face of his many disappointments is something that I admire. I sense that you also have much courage and resilience - may it stand you in good stead as you try to break free from past patterns and ride gloriously into your new future on the bike of your dreams