I get asked often if I am speaking to myself (by those who don't know me well; those who know me generally understand/tolerate me, heh
).
(
Note: This post is a bit disjointed, and it doesn't really contribute anything too meaningful. That said, contribution and flawless writing were not my intentions in writing this post; I just wanted to share my thoughts/experiences, and then put in some headings so it was easier to read. Interpret this post more as a window into understanding more about me rather then a well written article.)
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Do I speak to myself?
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(Note the irony of that title.
)
Before I answer your question, let me define some terms.
I would say someone “speaks to themself" when they speak aloud as if they were talking to someone, and then proceed answer that "self" in some form. An example may sound like this:
"What should I do today?"
"I think you should clean the house."
In my definition, a person who really "speaks to themself" would not have much or any control over what they are doing, and they are likely to think that this "self" they are talking to is real.
If you think this is crazy/dysfunctional, I'd agree with you. Some people may say this is schizophrenia, and it probably is very close to it, but I’d say schizophrenia is merely a label given to a highly dysfunctional ego rather then an “illness” or “disease”. Just like you don’t have a disease when you have a habit, you don’t have a disease when you think in a predominant manner, no matter how strong that thinking pattern is. But anyway, what I describe above is what I'd call "taking to yourself".
So, given my definition above, do I talk to myself?
No, I do not. That said, there are several other things I do.
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Voicing my thoughts
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I've never really liked thinking all that much. I much prefer having a clear, thought-free mind then one cluttered with thinking.
So, to maintain this "like water" mental condition, I often voice my thoughts, or at least portions of my thoughts. For example, I may say aloud: "Ok, what do I have to do today?", and then proceed to think of what I have to do today. I don't really answer myself. What I say aloud acts more like a heading would in writing then a question to answer. It sort of gives structure to my thinking and keeps my mind serene.
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Commenting on my experience
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I picked this up when I was younger. Specifically, I spent a lot of time with a friend I was very close with. Long story short, we used to often pass comments on the things we observed and experienced, mainly to share our thoughts with each other.
This habit ended up sticking, and I haven’t really seen a need to change it. At worst, some people find it annoying to be around me because I’m always voicing my opinion about something whether it was asked for or not.
Some may find this practice annoying, but personally I believe life is much more interesting when we share the experience and allow others to get a glimpse into our own unique perspectives (especially when there’s some humour thrown in!), so I consciously continue this practice because I feel it enhances my experience of life and, at least, serves as a sort of protest against all those deadly serious people who act as life is some sort of serious affair. (I’m full of irony today.
)
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Using life as a forum
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This stems from the above point. Recently I’ve become more aware that when I'm around people, I often speak as if life is some sort of forum. I'll often pass comment on something, not specifically talking to someone, but not talking to myself either.
I see this practice much like making a post in an online forum. I'm not always making a post to someone specifically, but nor am I directing it at myself. It's more like a general expression, kind of like a facial expression, except communicated verbally.
Often I’d welcome a response. Sometimes I just voice something to share a particular thought I find amusing (I try to keep life as humourous and amusing as possible, so this is pretty often; I get strange looks when I just laugh to myself sometimes, but such looks invariably come from those poor souls inflicted with seriousness
).
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How sane am I?
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I’m not particularly keen to explore this topic, but I often find myself jokingly questioning my sanity when I think about things like the nature of reality, various beliefs, etc. Fortunately I always conclude that my worries of potential insanity usually stem from fear, and that I’m just really exploring something that’s far, far off the conventional map, so to speak.
I don’t have any personal experience with this, but I believe the only time you have something to worry about is when you kind of get lost in your thinking and lose your sense of awareness. Personally, I’d find that difficult to do -- too many things would snap me out of such a state if I ever fell into it -- but I will admit that is something I’m semi-fearful of, since it’s one of the only things that I really feel venerable to.
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Pulling the cloak off the mind
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How I keep myself from going crackers by such thoughts is largely by becoming more aware of the automatic processes that my mind seems to run on. One of the specific things I do is notice that any worries or fears I have are largely being perpetuated or even created by the very act of thinking itself!
This doesn’t always snap me into a state of intense awareness, but it does make me see how ridiculous the notion of insanity is, and I theorise that one of the easiest ways to slip into a negative state of mind is by creating an imbalance between awareness and thinking, which is what insane people seem to do. Too much thinking seems to end up becoming destructive, and your thoughts begin to feed themselves.
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Understanding the mind
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The conditioned mind is made up of many structural processes, many of which you probably aren't even aware of, and in my experience, when I encounter something I don't quite understand, I feel a pull towards thinking about it, even if I don't really have a real desire to understand it.
Want to experience it for yourself? Ask yourself "am I sane?". You'll probably begin to notice your mind reacting in one way or another (maybe you'll get worried, fearful, curious, confused, etc).
This pull towards understanding is a pointer towards a hidden structural process in the mind. These structures are independant of content (ie. specific thoughts, such what the weather was like today, how old you are, etc), and it's often all too easy to mistake content for a structural process. They are also automatic and usually not something you control. To experience what I mean by this, try to not picture these objects when I say them: Apple. House. Car. Keyboard. (Have you failed yet?
)
Anyway, while I could go on and on about how the mind operates, I’d say that thinking is a great tool, but when you fail to balance it with your other faculties, much like failing to balance general living with restorative practices such as eating, sleeping, drinking, etc, you’ll suffer the consequences. I wouldn't really be worried of things like insanity as I would be vigilant in maintaining awareness, which includes an understanding that any pattern can become destructive if you let it, including those associated wiht thinking.
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Recommended resources
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But then, thinking is only one aspect of our consciousness, much like hearing is only one function your body can perform. Years ago I had no knowledge of this concept, and I’m still coming to grips with it now, but I wouldn’t doubt that statement for a second.
If anyone would like to explore the nature of their thinking more deeply, I recommend the work of
Eckhart Tolle (specifically
A New Earth or
The Power of Now, although
A New Earth is probably better for this topic). You’ll learn that while you “can” think, you are certainly not your thinking, and it gives you a new perspective on life that is extremely useful. But that is all I will say on that matter and I’ll let people explore this path at their leisure.
(If it seems I plug Eckhart Tolle a lot, it's only because his work is highly applicable to a vast number of topics... it's kind of like plugging Steve when talking about personal development. It's kind of hard NOT to reference him, especially when his work is so helpful/good.)