[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by Pegasus

Hello, Bliss Sage!

Hi

All kinds of sensitive topics are discussed on these forums.

Yeah...but I never wanted mine to be one of them

I’m a little concerned about all the blacking out that you describe. Have you had any past traumatic childhood experiences or abuse? If so, a therapist should be able to help you work through some of this.

Well, I've had my fair share of childhood trauma and I've quit therapists, but I tried for years. One thought I had been sexually abused when I was young, but I think I would remember such a thing or there would be some sign of it otherwise.

If the one you love has not come for you by now, then I would not expect that he will. There is no need to feel that you are betraying him. It is important that you share yourself with men whom you trust.

That would be...no one

cdn: What you wrote was insightful. I have to take some time to consider it. But when you say no to a man, or even if you don't, isn't it always a conquest for him to get the girl in bed? My brother had a friend who collected "screws" and he was so proud of himself, as he had well over 1000 and he bragged about it. Isn't it always a conquest? How can I maintain my "virtue" without becoming a conquest?

For me, for some reason, physical intimacy (sex) means more to me than to others, it's not about religion. It's that if I share that part of me with someone and he leaves me, especially soon afterwards, I couldn't handle it. Nobody touches certain places, except me, and not just anybody and not many people either should be allowed to touch those places on me. It's not shaking hands and the only one I go to sleep with and wake up next to every single morning is my teddy bear (and he always falls on the floor ) .

I am not my body and men are blinded by their eyes. The body is the last thing to get to know, when he knows me and understands me and loves me, my heart and mind, as such, the body is the last thing to get to know. I am not my body. And I think I really feel hurt every time I perceive a man who appears to be interested in me only because he has been blinded by his eyes, and he has no idea who I am, how sensitive, or compassionate, empathetic, poetic, profound etc., as I know myself - he knows nothing about me and he thinks he loves me or he wants me, he even can think he knows me, just by looking at me, but I feel him, he is just blinded by his eyes. Sometimes I can be a bit hostile even, seemingly for no reason, or in response to flirtations, yet no matter how mean I think I am being, it never puts the guy off and he always comes back for more. (I don't get it )

I know what I am inside and seeing how men only see the outside and don't care about who I really am, or that sometimes they think they know me so well they tell me who I am, and they would gladly touch me and have sex with me, while not even caring who I am...it hurts me a lot. It makes me feel worthless. I am not my body.

Why I got angry at girls...I'm not comparing myself, but I had to suffer the repercussions of their indiscretions and be even more forceful in my principle. I had to make sure from the get-go that men knew they wouldn't be "getting any" ever, and they expect to be "getting some" at some point, because that's how girls have now "trained" men and "friendships/relationships" are that way now. And I always ended up pushing men away when they would be trying to talk me into having sex with them, and say "What do you need me for, go find one of the multitude of girls who will do it with you and leave me alone." Men don't need me when there's a willing girl around every corner. I was not put on the planet to quench men's burning lust, he can do that elsewhere.

Lauxa - It seems in every way they are rushing in this subject. It is impressive if I manage to interact long enough with a man without him alluding to something sexual, that I actually begin to start to think about it with him. That almost never happens. If he starts thinking about it first and alludes to it or talks about it, I get so put off.

Then there's the "doing" part where there is just no time to catch up to him at all. That's why I don't know what happened that night. One second I had my head on his shoulder, the next his lips were all over me. And I think if I ever had any inclination to be actively involved in that physical interaction, I couldn't be, because he is so...well, even...I mean, they are the agressor and don't really allow for any kind of reciprocation.

It's nice that you found your husband like that. I don't date. I never have.

I did not have a "relationship" with this guy, it was a "friendship." Even if I think that friendships between me and a guy can't exist. It always goes in this very direction. And we did talk about his fingering my undies and that whole incident. It wasn't creepy, don't worry. He was leaning his head on my shoulder and had his arm around my stomach/waist and his hand naturally fell right on my hip there, so his hand was already there. Says he was sleeping, but I think it was more half awake, half asleep. We did talk about this in the context of me telling him I didn't want him to do it again. I knew if it became a habit, it would become harder to get him to stop and it would also lead even farther. We didn't speak for a week after that.

I assure you, I wasn't drugged. We were just here in my room, eaten nothing, drank nothing except some pineapple juice from one of those little sealed boxes. In the past I notice when "fooling around" I get really weak and ... I don't know ... maybe I'm scared and it overtakes me ...? Maybe I don't know what's happening, maybe he's just going too fast...? It all makes me dizzy. It was never as severe as this time though. Maybe I would pass out during my first time .

You say that there are few eligible males near you. Is there anything you could do to change this? I majored in electrical engineering both because it interested me and because of the 4:1 male/female ratio. My cousin, when deciding where to apply for jobs, researched the best cities for older singles. If you are abstaining for religious reasons, you could try an internet dating board that targets your religious group... Jessica met her husband on one of those. Steve and Erin met online. I'm just saying that if creating a relationship is important to you, there must be something you can do to increase your odds of meeting the right guy.

Actually, Lauxa, I am in a place where every guy on the street is eligible (and plenty good-looking) and I could probably have nearly any one I wanted - and you would understand why if you knew the country I am in. The thing is, they are bad for me (they are men who are blinded by their eyes) and many are dishonest and unscrupulous. I came here to wait for the one guy I love and mentioned above.

I don't fit in with religious groups either, our views are not compatible.

I'm not looking for a relationship per se. Just... waiting...