There's a lot in here and I'm not quite sure where to start. So, let's take this one bit at a time. For instance,
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bliss Sage  I never thought it was negative when I was younger - it just came with the experiences I mentioned above. I did have a lovely dream about my wedding night all through my teen years and even 20's. When I learned that I was at odds with society, I got resentful, hurt a lot...and, not surprisingly, abandoned and passed over by men for girls who would "put out". I came to feel worthless and also angry at all those girls in society who spoiled men with sex so much they won't even get to know me because I won't "put out". So much for my dream of my wedding night. |
I think I'm starting to see what's going on. Granted, I'm willing to be wrong here, but bear with me for a moment.
You mention that you don't want sexual relations outside of marriage. OK, that's fine.
What may be happening - and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on this - is that you're holding yourself and your sexuality as some sort of prize. Something like, "If a guy does A, B, C in the right order, at the right time, in the right way and chooses to marry me, then I'll consent to have sex with him."
Do I have that right?
Because, if so, that may be the core of the problem, and it fits with your experiences.
When you hold out yourself and your sexual expression as some sort of prize or goal, you'll inevitably be treated as an object. Essentially, you're objectifying yourself. The result is that those other two guys (Messers. Jekyll and Hyde) treated you in the same way you treated yourself: as an object. Not as a human being worthy of love and respect and attention and caring, but as a prize.
But with the other fellow, there never was any objectification, you never set yourself up as some sort of prize because the relationship just wasn't on that level. So when intimacy did take place, there was no sense of conquest, which is why the experience was much more pleasurable.
As far as what other girls do or don't do, that's their personal issue. There's no real up-side in comparing yourself to them, because your history and background is different from theirs (as is theirs from yours). But don't diminish them in your eyes because they made different choices.