Hello, Bliss Sage!
All kinds of sensitive topics are discussed on these forums.
I’m a little concerned about all the blacking out that you describe. Have you had any past traumatic childhood experiences or abuse? If so, a therapist should be able to help you work through some of this. If you do not have access to this kind of help anywhere in your area, try looking online (sorry, I don’t know of international resources off the top of my head; I only know of
AASECT :: American Association of Sex Counselors, Educators & Therapists).
Sexual activity should be enjoyed by both parties. Your description of past sexual experience sounds almost like a description used in the book
The Color Purple. Yes, men can become raving beasts when they are horny, but keep in mind that sex is powerful for women, too.
If the one you love has not come for you by now, then I would not expect that he will. There is no need to feel that you are betraying him. It is important that you share yourself with men whom you trust.
...