[Bliss Sage]

I need help with an issue that is so embarrassing and sensitive to me that I had to make a new id to ask for help...

I need help with two issues surrounding the same incident. The first one, and one I am afraid to explain, deals with a friendship or some twisted sort of relationship I have with a guy here. To start with, he and I are so incompatible it's not even funny. He is so negative and hellbent on his misery that he makes me feel like a ray of sunshine (and I've suffered from depression all my life). However, when he is not drowning himself in self-pity and brooding in anger and resentment (about God-knows-what) or trying to make me feel guilty about something, he is very fun, he is a laugh-riot, he is nice, he pays attention to me and everyone really likes him, because he brings humor and fun and life.

He and I fight a lot, though, because he has such issues that make him imagine bad things about me and then, without my having any clue, he gets angry at me, he shuts me out, doesn't let me tell him what is, he hangs up the phone on me or never answers so he doesn't have to listen to me when I tell him what happened to me (nevermind if I am calling him from a hospital bed, he will never know - HE is the victim and I am the nasty b*tch who hurt him)...

He has hurt me so much I can't even remember all the times, and usually due to him wanting to not listen so he can feel sorry for himself believing some lie about some awful thing I did to him.

It was never a question in my mind that I wouldn't mind never having him as a friend. I am just so dead alone where I am and he was always the only one who spoke to me, and in the beginning, he always made me laugh - he made everyone laugh. Later, though, he let me see the darkness beneath the surface.

A few nights ago, when he was in one of his delightful moods, he came to watch movies with me. But we didn't end up watching a movie...

To set the stage, though, I should mention that the last time we had watched movies, he took the opportunity to lean his head on my shoulder and seemingly fall asleep. I was a little shocked, as we had never hardly even touched hands before that and the society where we are is not accepting of such behavior (outside of marriage). I thought, ok, no big deal if he falls asleep on me like that - he's suffered a lot and has no sort of emotional shelter and has insomnia. But...the next thing I know, his arm is wrapped over my stomach and his hand on my hip and butt and I felt him lightly fingering my undies once through my bathrobe and he was holding me tight like a teddy bear (it half felt good to me, but I couldn't indulge in the feeling, because circumstances were all wrong). He looked like he was in heaven, but it just wasn't right...

I wasn't sure what to do, but in the end I got up, because it wasn't appropriate. After the fact, he told me he hadn't ever slept so well, that he felt like I was an angel and that he slept like an angel. I did see he had a smile on his face like I'd never seen and he had also been making noises, so I guess he was really asleep. However, he said these nice things to me in the context of making me feel guilty as I was telling him he couldn't sleep beside or on me again. That was followed by a week of us not speaking to each other.

This time, Wednesday night, when we sat down to watch a movie, I felt myself overcome with fatigue and wanted nothing more than to rest on him...so I did (I guess I had softened up a bit, it's a hard tug-of-war between wanting affection in wrong conditions and forcing yourself to wait for the right ones before allowing yourself to be affectionate with someone). I rested my head on his shoulder and it was lovely. He was caressing my hair a little too. But then, things happened so fast - first of all, it seems as if I lost consciousness, or I blacked out somehow, because I don't know how anything happened. Just the next thing I knew he was on top of me kissing me and ... and well...I didn't not like it, in fact, I really liked it and that is the problem and why I am writing.

To give a background on my principles, I am old and ... waiting for marriage to have sex (i.e. am not holding my breath to have sex before I die), but...can't say I have no experience of physical intimacy. Whenever he went somewhere I didn't want him to go, I'd intervene and he would say to me "Je te supplie..." and I kept saying "Non, non, pas comme ca, ma premiere fois" and "C'est pour la nuit de noce, pour la nuit de noce...non, je te supplie, non..." I didn't want my first time to be like that and I kept telling him it's for the wedding night.

My concerns:

1. Health: I was in a daze the entire time, which is normal for me judging also from my previous experiences with physical intimacy. This time, however, the daze I was in seemed to be more severe, like a virtual loss of consciousness. He eventually gave up, I guess, when I wouldn't let him go all the way. The last thing I remember was seeing him put on his pants and then I must have blacked out. I stayed unconscious/sleeping on the couch for ... I don't know how many hours, but I woke up there at 4 a.m. and stumbled dizzily to my bed. In the morning when I woke, I was overcome with dizziness and fatigue (possibly a result of anemia, which I think I have now...or a result of our activities the night before...??) and it was so severe I had to rest in bed for hours and didn't get out until the afternoon. I later learned that on his way out, he took one of my keys and a bottle of water I had in the fridge - later he told me that he had told me he was going to borrow the key and take the water, so...I was unconscious, but I don't know if my body was functioning and if I responded to him when he said those things.

2. The relationship: I loved the experience with him. It was the first time ever, out of ... well, 2 other guys, that I felt like the guy didn't forget me by being consumed by his lust. Like I didn't become an object or a tool to him, as I felt the past few times I have had physical intimacy with male people. I hated sex, because I felt like men just turn into raving beasts and I become just the thing they are using to get rid of some overpowering twitch they have. The guy who I know and might love, and even one who may say he loves me, turns into some kind of freak beast when he gets horny, scares me and he doesn't know or remember anymore who I am, but just touches and uses me like I am a blow-up doll or something inhuman. I began to say men just need a hole, they don't care where it is or who it's on, they don't even pay attention.

This guy, though, he was present with me in everything he was doing, I could feel it and I liked what he was doing and now I wonder...and wonder...if I should get involved in a relationship, or marriage, with him...despite how badly we go together otherwise. He was so warm and gentle and...in what he was doing, gave the feelings I need or I desperately wish for...also because I am so alone and most men where I am are bad, especially bad for me.

A side note: I love someone else and I have been waiting for him for months, but he has still not come and people keep telling me to forget him. The first time my friend touched me, fell asleep on me, I felt strongly that I was betraying the one I love. Due to my principles, however, even falling asleep on me (I mean fingering my undies!) without being married or in a proper romantic relationship is not right.

If anyone has any advice to share, especially concerning the two issues numbered above, I would be grateful to learn ...