Decterlove, yeah, I have similar tape loops playing in my mind, also. Very well said, by the way!
Just yesterday it dawned on me that part of taking care of myself is asking for help. What a concept!
So I e-mailed my loved ones and said, hey, I know this is neurotic, but I'm stuck in this tape loop about having to be "dutiful" about a certain family member and I feel all alone in it, and I can't seem to just take care of myself without just SAYING what's hanging me up. So, can this certain family member be all of our deals, so that I actually get to individuate before I die, instead of being a righteous martyr, which is like, you know, so yucky to be around?
I always think I have to just, you know "buck up." Sometimes you gotta just talk to take care of yourself. Being alone in your tape loops...well that's just HELL.
That's why suicide becomes a sort of seductive lover--anything to get away from #%@* having to THINK!
So, obviously I'm not over that yet, but I'm enough over it that I don't think about suicide all the time.
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