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Originally Posted by Angela  When we refer to a "needy" person, we're not talking about the general desire people have to feel loved; we're talking about the attachment wherein a person believes he's incapable of being satisfied or fulfilled if he doesn't receive the "love" of one particular person. |
Ah, I had never looked at it that way. Surely, this is an unhealthy situation outside of an established relationship, but I'm not convinced this is entirely harmful within the bounds of one. Unless of course, the feeling was no longer mutual. Whatever, I get what you are saying, and I agree for the most part. On the other hand, I can also say that being fully aware that there are "other fish in the sea", sometimes someone comes along who just satisfies every sense, lives a compatible lifestyle, has similar taste, admirable style, on the same intellectual wavelength, etc. Let's say a seahorse or angelfish among a sea of mudsharks and bottom-feeders to stick with the analogy. A truely rare find, not one-of-a-kind, but rare. It is hard not to put the blinders on in that case. Yeah there are other fish, but they are mostly mudsharks and bottom-feeders compared to this seahorse. Yeah, there's an angelfish over there too, but... I forgot where I was leading with this. And certainly some guys may prefer mudsharks to seahorses, but anyway... I think most people can relate to this feeling. I don't believe that it should excuse robbing a person of their freedoms, but I don't think that's always the case. I just think it is a bit sad to see so many guys trying so hard to show praise and affection, and treat a woman they are interested in with sincerity, and perhaps being a little overbearing or passively agreeable in their efforts, being
percieved as a "needy guy" and immediately disqualified as a potential lover. Then there is the flip-side of that coin, where a guy is trying too hard to show respect for a woman's personal space and boundaries, or even looking at other options, that they seem disinterested or insincere. Like in 40-year-old Virgin, where he says, "I respect women so much, I completely avoid them!" I think that is a very real scenario, and I even identify with it to some extent, because I have such a crippling fear of being percieved as "needy". Surely there is a balance between overbearing, passively agreeable and avoidant, I have yet to find it, but I'm getting closer. I don't mean forcefully overbearing either. I mean being ever-present, showering with gifts, syrupy romance, etc. I'm really not as overbearing as I used to be, I've actually shifted into the other two catagories. In fact, my last relationship ended (almost a year ago now) because I wasn't being romantic enough. I over-corrected basically, because I was trying too hard to do the right thing to keep her happy, and it backfired.
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In this case I see a "needy guy" as someone who is ruled by his needs. Someone whose behaviour is dictated by those needs in unreasonable and counterproductive ways. We all have needs, yes, but we don't all start harassing the person who might satisfy those needs if it seems they won't.
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Again, I've never really associated "needy" with harrassment, but I guess it makes sense in the more extreme cases. I guess what I am more concerned about is being
percieved as needy, when guys are just trying to put forth an honest effort to give a woman what she wants, even though, and especially because none of us really know what that is. Some guys obviously have a better idea, and they have fulfilling love-lives. The majority of us though, seem to settle for whoever will accept us the way we are, and acceptance isn't the earth-shattering, passionate, feel-it-in-every-cell-of-your-body L-O-V-E I'm looking for. Settling certainly isn't either, but it happens. Why? Because we get tired of waiting for the next seahorse or angelfish to come along, and decide a salmon is better than a mudshark or bottom-feeder and certainly better than nothing at all. Heck, there are even things to love about salmon that a seahorse or angelfish may not possess. They taste good smoked for instance.
