[purplephilosopher]

let me first say that I'm only 18 years old with a long way to go
i can't say i'm completely disconnected from society
but yet a part of me rejects it (for its shallowness and corruption) and i refuse to conform (one must find his/her path in this world to attain true happiness, true worth, w/e you wish to call it)
looking back, throughout middle school and high school, i was quite a shy and introverted kid but because of society's pressures, i *tried* to conform (without realizing it) much to my detriment (for ex, i tried making more friends, talking more; i believed happiness was a product of this and that)
and the more i did that, the more unhappy i became; sure, i was somewhat successful but it did not do anything for me INTERNALLY, which is ultimately most important
so here I am, freshman year in college, and I feel like I'm on my own island (even though I know I'm not)
i've been doing my own thing so far this first semester (developing a solid exercise routine, solidifying my academic foundation/performing well in classes, and thinking about life <-- this is something i really wish to stop doing soon)
and i have kept myself away from others - to preserve my introvert self and all its talents from further "waste" and "damage" - because i don't think i could continuously withstand the pressures of society
i'm not trying to isolate myself; i'm trying to learn more about my true self before it's all lost, buried by the images society has imprinted in me
but this process is wearing me down...i wonder if I'll ever find what is uniquely me in me and if I don't...then I really am lost and alone in this world...
i've talked to my parents, my brother, some of my friends about my views, and not one of them seems to have any idea what I'm talking about
am I just really so different from everyone else and why do i think so much?
it's just that sometimes i wish i could let it all go and just fade away into some distant place or that the process of life could just be "natural" like everyone else's lives
idk...idk...i THINK i have a direction (with my goals) but i don't really FEEL it
and if you asked me when was the last time i was genuinely happy... i couldn't tell you... does it feel like sometimes we're living in a world where there's pleasure and no happiness or laughs and smiles but no happiness behind those?
and if these are really my views (yes, they are) and the majority of the people around me don't share these views, where am I? who am I? then what?

thanks for reading!