Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - How to change my approach on finding/dating guys?

Holistic Star · 11-10-2007, 01:19 AM

It's all about the vibe you give off, not what you wear.

I remember when I was very upset after splitting up with someone and just couldn't even think about dating. Well no-one and I mean not one bloke asked me out for a year, even though I was out in pubs and clubs a lot. Then one day I remember saying to a friend 'do you know, I feel ready to start dating again.' and within a couple of weeks I had loads of offers! I hadn't changed anything about how I looked, it was an internal shift in the way I felt.

I think the telling point is that you say you are wary of getting involved with someone in case they are too clingy. I think this is highly significant. Probably without realising it you are modifying your behaviour so that you 'don't give out the wrong signals' or anything that might be interpreted as flirty, which is why all your male friends are putting you in the friend category. You have formed a strong subconscious conclusion around the fact that getting involved with a bloke is problematic as 'it takes a year to get rid of a clingy guy'. Your subconscious will do what it can to protect you from that situation again so I expect that there are probably guys that you already know that do like you but you are giving off the signals that you are not the least bit interested to protect yourself.
What a coach would do, or you can do yourself, would be to help you find a new conclusion that both honours the need of the original one to keep you safe and gets you excited about dating again.

I agree with Rose that sexiness is an inner quality, it's not about high heels or being high fashion or being cartoony feminine. (false nails and boufant hair are just icky in my book!) However it is easier to feel sexy when you pay some attention to your looks. This is just a thought, but is your resistance to making the little effort your friends talk about symptomatic of the fact you are worried about not being able to get rid of someone if they are attracted to you and you're not interested? Just an idea - I let you think about that one?

11-10-2007, 01:19 AM	#7 (permalink)
Holistic Star Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 1,611	It's all about the vibe you give off, not what you wear. I remember when I was very upset after splitting up with someone and just couldn't even think about dating. Well no-one and I mean not one bloke asked me out for a year, even though I was out in pubs and clubs a lot. Then one day I remember saying to a friend 'do you know, I feel ready to start dating again.' and within a couple of weeks I had loads of offers! I hadn't changed anything about how I looked, it was an internal shift in the way I felt. I think the telling point is that you say you are wary of getting involved with someone in case they are too clingy. I think this is highly significant. Probably without realising it you are modifying your behaviour so that you 'don't give out the wrong signals' or anything that might be interpreted as flirty, which is why all your male friends are putting you in the friend category. You have formed a strong subconscious conclusion around the fact that getting involved with a bloke is problematic as 'it takes a year to get rid of a clingy guy'. Your subconscious will do what it can to protect you from that situation again so I expect that there are probably guys that you already know that do like you but you are giving off the signals that you are not the least bit interested to protect yourself. What a coach would do, or you can do yourself, would be to help you find a new conclusion that both honours the need of the original one to keep you safe and gets you excited about dating again. I agree with Rose that sexiness is an inner quality, it's not about high heels or being high fashion or being cartoony feminine. (false nails and boufant hair are just icky in my book!) However it is easier to feel sexy when you pay some attention to your looks. This is just a thought, but is your resistance to making the little effort your friends talk about symptomatic of the fact you are worried about not being able to get rid of someone if they are attracted to you and you're not interested? Just an idea - I let you think about that one?