[lifequest]

Hi,

I've been single for a while. When my last relationship ended (relationship that lasted for approximately 7 years), I decided to take some time off (close to a year) because:
1) I didn't feel like I could get involved in a new relationship, I was hurting a lot and knew I could not give my full attention to a guy while I was still hurting from the last break-up
2) I needed time to think, to understand what had happened in my last relationship, since I don't like making the same mistake twice. I believe that when you get back in a new relationship right away, that you'll make the same mistakes again, and that's where you get stuck in a pattern.

So, here's the problem: I don't have a clue where to start "getting back in the game", and my friends and family are of no help!

To give you a picture of myself, I'm a 27 year old woman. I'm an engineer, and a kinda or nerdy one at that. I like jogging and swimming, and I love to dance. I play a bit of guitar when I find the time. I like comedy spoofs science-fiction movies, and I'm even a trekkie (although a small one I admit). I'm the kind of girl that likes challenges. I prefer to change the tires on my car than to cook. I once took self-defence classes, and I actually enjoyed them. I even brought along my ex but it was to violent for him, so he didn't come back to class... Between going shopping and going for a hike in the woods, I prefer the woods. I also look like a tomboy (a Ellen Degeneres kind of look, since I hate dresses, skin thight pants and little tops that show to much skin, it's just not who I am). I don't even own a pair of high heel, because I like to run (I find walking is to slow sometimes), and running with high heels? Well, not a good thing... I'm not into fashion and hairstyling, but I'm good looking. Some people (a few close friends, my family, even my boss!) have told me that it's like I'm unaware of my good looks, and that with little effort, I would look really great. But I just don't care really to put effort into "looking great", because I'm not looking for someone that's with because of the way I look, but because of who I am. I am very comfortable with the person I am, and will not change for anyone, since that would mean that I would become untruthful to myself and inauthentic (unless someone can convince me with a good reason that I can fully endorse and that goes along with my values and beliefs).

Since I'm an engineer, most of my friends are guys. And that's the thing: they consider me a great friend because I do "guy stuff". But they don't consider me as dating material, since I'm very independant and not very feminine by my actions and looks. As one of my friends told me: "you act like a guy. So guys probably don't know to act around you in a relationship, because it's like you're already doing the jog of "being the guy" in the relationship"....

And many people, including my family and a few of my close pals have told me that unless I change, I'm gonna be single for a long while. But that's the thing: aren't supposed to be yourself in a relationship, and not change for anyone?

Plus, most of the guys that have shown interest in me in the last few years have been low self-esteem guys that want someone to boss them around. Yes, I know I am bossy. I work in a field where I have to take decision constantly, be able to defend them and give orders to people. And that's maybe why I attract those guys. But, I believe that a relationship should be between to equal partners, not a relationship where one is bossing the other one around. So that doesn't work.

So here's the situation:
1) I'd like to date, but I don't even know where to start. My last relationship lasted 7 years and started while I was in school. So I couldn't experiment while I was in college like many people suggest. I currently have zero dating experience, really, and since I'm not that good in the social departement, especially when it comes to man/woman relationship besides friendship (remember, I'm an engineer with all the sterotypes that come with the job) well, things aren't going pretty good...

2)I don't know anything about the dating scene really. I haven't tried internet dating, but I can't say I'm really looking forward to meet total strangers on the net. Going to clubs? Well, usually, that's not the kind of place where you meet people interested in real relationship, plus I don't have the "look". Through work I can't meet anyone (small office of 20 people, where we spend the most of our time working alone, with very few interaction with the outside), and in college (I'm finishing my last semester right now), well, guys are like 20 years old, so definitely not what I'm looking for.

3) Most friends and family are of not help in meeting guys, their socials networks does not involve single guys in my age range that don't know me already and aren't my friends.

4) I know I probably do some stuff wrong and send the wrong signals to guys. I've tried looking for a "lifestyle" or "seduction" coach in my area, but have found none for women (only for men, as if they're the only ones having a hard time to date!). I've tried reading a book or two, but it doesn't really work because since I don't know what I'm doing wrong, well, how can I change it (and when I mean change, I don't mean acting like a different person, I mean acting true to myself, but in a way that will get guys interested).

5) I know there are coaches online, but if the coach if find lives across the country, how do I know that person can really help me since he/she won't know the specifics of the city and the culture where I live?

So, if anyone has suggestions on how I could tackle this "problem", I'd really appreciate any insights. I do believe I am a kind person that has a lot to offer, but unless I find a way to come across to guys, well, I'll stay single.

Lifequest