I can't figure out whether I should leave or stay with my gf. There are two girls right now that are important in my life. I'll explain (forgive the length of this post lol).
Girl 1: This is my girlfriend. I've been with her for almost five years. I feel love towards her, I care about her, I am physically attracted to her. Recently, the love I feel for her has changed from a romantic, passionate love to a love born from compassion for another human being. This is because I feel like she doesn't understand me. I've had long discussions with her about various issues, and she doesn't really get what I'm trying to say. We fight pretty often, at least once every few days. Not serious fights, but fights nonetheless. She is a good girlfriend, almost always honest, loving, caring and helpful. She does a lot for me, she even buys me random gifts.
Although, when she gets mad, she becomes what I might describe as hostile, even obnoxious. She admits that she has a short temper and is a bit of a drama queen, I just have to deal with it. Which I would have no problem with doing, except that I don't feel a "connection" with her, the understanding, which is very important to me. Our relationship goes very deep, but because of that lack of understanding, it feels shallow.
Girl 2: I have known this girl for as long as I can remember, she is a family friend. Only recently have I become close with her. She lives a few hours away, and I don't see her much... Maybe once every few months at best. By close with her, I mean we talk daily. Before we started talking more, I only talked to her when I saw her. That's not to say we weren't "close" when we were together. Since we were young, there was always "something" between us, but I could never quite put my finger on what it was. I felt something towards her, and I somehow knew she felt that same something towards me.
Anyway, my point is there is something about this girl that captivates me. I love that without words or anything, there's this thing that we both understand. Most important of all to me is her eyes. According to almost everyone who meets me, I am a mysterious person. Even my girlfriend, who knows more about me than anyone else does, says that I am a mystery to her and she can never tell what I'm really thinking. Girl 2, on the other hand, she has eyes that completely and utterly pierce straight through me. When she looks at me, it's as if she just "knows," and that's that. Likewise, I can tell her mood by just looking at her.
Even if I'm talking to her over an instant messenger, that kind of thing is still there. I try to convey something that can't be conveyed through words, with words, and she sees the words and gets the original thing I was trying to convey. With my girlfriend, I try to convey something that can't be conveyed with words, and she just sees the words and tries to figure out a new meaning. That's what I mean by the lack of understanding. My girlfriend always asks me to be more open about my feelings, she wants me to explain so she can understand, but I really can't. I wish I could, but it's as if words are too inadequate to convey what I need to.
I feel like me and my girlfriend are just very different people. The problem is she really, really loves me, she wants to marry me. She has openly said it, many times, she even talks about it as if there's no question about it happening. She is such a wonderful person, but I feel like maybe somebody else would be able to appreciate her good qualities more than I can. I don't really care for gifts or words, but surely there is a man out there who would love those things and be able to make her happy like she should be.
I decided to be honest, and admit to myself that I am in love with girl 2, because I really am totally in love with her. I've told my gf about loving and missing girl 2, and she decided that it's OK as long as I'm not in a romantic relationship with her and I just love her like I would a sister or a friend. It still upsets her a lot, though. Truthfully, I don't just love her like a sister or friend. I'm sure she wishes it would all go away, but she doesn't dare take action, because she wants to be with me. She's even said "I wish I could say to you that this is it, it's either me or her, but I don't want to... Because I know you would pick her."
She tells me it wouldn't be so bad if I made her feel a bit more loved. In her words, it's like there's two columns, one is my girlfriend's, one is girl B's, and in girl B's column is all the reasons why I love her, but there's nothing in my girlfriends column. She would feel better if she could say "well, he loves this about her, but *slides finger across to other column* he loves this about me!" except it's more like "well, he loves this about her, but... Oh... There's nothing in my column *tear*." I just can't make her feel loved because we are so different. I don't feel it, and I don't want to lie.
.
.
So that's my problem, in an (abnormally large) nutshell. Do I break up with her, cause her a lot of pain, and lose a very great person in my life? Do I not break up with her, and cause her a lot of pain anyway because I love someone else? I'm constantly trying to find faults in girl B and destroy my love for her, because I think sometimes it might be an illusion, like there's something that I'm not considering, something that could ruin it... I can't find anything. The times I was the most content in my life were times I spent with her. To me, she's perfect, like an angel. It's a shame that she lives so far away, because I don't know what to do about it. She will most likely move to the city in which I live after she finishes her education (which will take years). I'm willing to wait as long as it takes, but still, I don't know what will happen.
Anyone have any advice? Or maybe experience something similar?
