[MartinT]

Hello again.

Thank you very much for all the answers and ideas! I hoped to get some responses, but something like this… wow, it really proves there are some wonderful people here.

Now, some comments:

Jim11:

keep doing what you're doing to get to know some new people, and more if possible. Do some activities where you think you may meet people of interest.

Yes, I have been doing this for some time now. Starting from some “safer” places first though – library, cafes, small pubs etc. I perfectly understand that facing my fears and going straight to the club is the best solution, but I have been trying to take a step-by-step approach - some “training” in other public places should help a lot in any club situation. But the main idea remains the same – socializing, socializing, then socializing more… I hope I can gradually force myself to get out of that “safety shell” of mine.

Start talking to strangers. Doesn't have to be women. Just get used to being conversational instead of glancing at people and then quickly shifting your attention to the floor.

The weird thing is that I can maintain quite a good conversation IF it is started by another person (it’s like I am slightly shocked for the first few seconds and then I just relax and let the conversation flow). Taking that first step is the hardest thing.

Good luck, Martin. You sound exactly like me a few years ago... right down to the 1.92 m in height. I think what opened me up to new people was simply a shift in attitude, some effort, and some time.

Thanks a lot. I really hope that after several years I open this topic, read my post, smile and say to myself that last sentence of yours :-)

Searcher:
Thanks for the recommendation, I will try to get my hands on this book. I know a few things about NLP, but haven’t studied it more closely till now. If it helps to change some stupid, action-blocking attitudes that are in my head, it would probably be a bigger part of the entire task – it’s a real pain to know that your mind sometimes is your biggest enemy.

Let me know if you want to know more about this :-)

Definitely!

Aurora:
At first, thanks a lot for such an inspirational post! It really got my determination up – and I’ll do my best to keep it that way.

Go yourself. Really! I know its hard as hell but what's the loss? You will acutaly be more likely to meet morepeople going on your own (male and female) as well as, well - sitting home will not meeting people easier.

Well, it gives me a little shiver just to imagine myself sitting lonely at the club’s bar and drinking some sort of beverage, but your arguments are convincing. Ok, my goal for November – to do this. Alone or not. Sometime in the next 27 days, I will either do this (and post my impressions here, if the thread isn’t hopelessly sunken to some XX page) or I will be a pathetic loser who can’t force himself to do such a simple thing. *takes a notebook with listed goals*

If you're out to get laid, read "the Game" by Neil Strauss, or check out some of David DeAngelos books on picking women up.

No, getting laid is not my goal – the primary thing I would like for now is just a simple relationship with a girl. Even if it just means getting the 2nd date.

I hope you get some inspiration or help from what I wrote.

Not some – a lot. Thanks again!

Ilya:

You may want to see this article by david de angelo. I'm not sure about his books, but the article is good - it's called Why very intelligent men fail with women.

Well, it wouldn’t be exaggerating to say that this article gave me a good shake. I read it, stood up, made some rounds around my room, sorting everything in my head, then came back and read it two more times – everything was SO spot-on… Thanks a lot!

You probably are a good listener. Me too. I used to sit in the corner of some social occasion and listen, know about the people. Then, when appropriate I would say some well placed comments. It would switch the attention to me and make girls curious about me.

Exactly like me :-) I probably know like 10 times more about most of the people I meet than they know about me… But it also gives some sort of “mystery” aura that helps a bit in conversations – can’t deny that.

In fact, all you need is to start initial conversation with the girl, then you can on one hand tell her all about what you know - more on the traveling to 12 countries rather than MySQL, mind you. On the other hand you can listen to what she tells you. But I see you've been doing something like that and it didn't lead you anywhere.

Regarding the MySQL – hehe, even *I* know that much

Well, there may have been a lot of possible problems with my dates – starting from the wrong choice of topics (as perfectly noted by D.DeAngelo – I usually choose the study/work/travel topics, which are not that attractive for girls) and finishing with me, thinking like “ah, she wasn’t interested in me at all. No, really. Why should she? No, no, it’s not a good idea to call her again. Let’s wait for tomorrow.”. The situation is gradually improving with each date (at least from my subjective view), so it may lead somewhere one day… But I must radically change my thinking first, that’s a fact.

Do you have a friend who is good at dating?

Hmm, not sure. But it’s a really good idea, thanks.

Also, learn the etiquette. There are simple things there that were invented to make courting easier.

Oh, believe me, I know the theory :-) Implementing these things in practice is the biggest problem… But, as also noted in that article, it's social/dating SKILLS - and they can only be learned by practice, not by theory and not by thinking. I must somehow get that into my head.

Again, thank you all. Your ideas really helped me to orient my “learning path” towards the right direction!

Warmest wishes,
Martin