[suicidaldude]

Meg, (damn this seems to have become such a common name these days) I did read your last post, and as a matter of fact, I was still reflecting on it and trying to formulate an answer, hence the silence.

Your last entry did in fact help clarify your point, and so I can reply more easily.

While this is all true, the fact is that you still are... you might consider your life a "void" of sorts, and trust me, I know the feeling. You might consider it to be devoid, devoid of anything good, significant, that might make you willing to go on. Things like love, friendship, purpose. Things that so many other people know about and experience, but that are empty shells to people like me, for love, friendship and purposes are movie-concepts to me, foreign and unreachable.

But I'm drifting off the point here. What I meant to say is this : while your life seems to be a "void", you still live it. While your entire being seems to be absolutely empty except for the pain of loneliness, while you seem that the light-vibrations that we are all supposed to be made of seem to have deserted your whole spirit, you still live, you still exist.

And while you are still in the place of emotional and energetic (for lack of a better word) "void", you still have to wake up in the morning, go to work, pay for food, pay your rent, pay your taxes. While you lack any of the good (supposed) components of human life, you still have to struggle for your survival. So you are not in a void. There is still a "you", even though it only seems to be made of pain.

In these circumstances, you wonder why there should even be a "you", what is the point of this unloving and unloved soul, going in circles.

Well, I guess I really went overboard with the weeping "goth-kid" style here. Sorry. But at least I made my point : even when you exist only through pain and depression, you still exist, so there is no void.

And what I want now is not an emotional "limbo", like a fake void that would still have you exist and struggle. I now would love to embrace the grand Void (note the capitalization), the one where you cease to exist, the one where there is no love, granted, but also no pain, no depression, no suffering. This Void is real peace, it is Nirvana, Unexistence, the highest level of Heaven, so to speak. The void you are talking about is none of that, the emotional void of depression is anything but peace and stillness.

So of course, if there is any way to melt in this void, and to stop existing, as Erin put it in her blog entry, I will go for it. No amount of "counceling" or "spiritual guidance" could distract me from such an aim, especially at the prospect of having to live other life like this one, or even worse.

At the end of the day, they'll all get there. But apparently, lost souls get there faster than Saints...