[CoolStuff]

I used to be a confident leader of the pack. I had a whole pack and we would just hang out. I even just commanded a lotta people to beat people up. I was the leader. I think when I got to middle school my confidence just kinda went down, even in 5th grade.

One thing is my physical ability and leadership ability kinda went down the drain at the same time. Also, about that pack back in grade school, I think it was slightly related to physical traits too. I mean I wasn't big or anything, I didn't even win fights too often, but I would scrap all the time back then. I was wild. They tamed the **** outta me at school though, now I would never throw down, I pretty much lost that whole mentality. I truly regret it, because I highly doubt myself in a fight now. In 6th grade I still had that rage and the energy. Nowadays, I flinch at the smallest ****. Someone might make a throwing motion, not even directly at me, I might flinch and ****. It's really weird. I don't know when it started happening. It's funny that my leader ability kinda went down the drain with it. There's defintely some sort of connection. I don't know what went first, or if it was at the same time, but mentality and physical ability have dwindled, fairly slowly too.

I have no idea why. It wasnt like I was doing much back in the day. I was trendsetting and just doing me, but I wasn't really doing much else. I get a lot more done nowadays.

In middle school, it definitely didn't help because I started hanging out with some "loser" or "follower" kind of people. (what's weird is I went to the same grade school as middle school so nothing really changed. just hanging out with these people, among other things, didn't let me come into my own as fast as I could have, in terms of girls. I know it takes everyone a little time, but if I was around some more influences, I know I woulda learned how to come into my own quicker.) And I still hang out with them because they're just good friends, and I can really just relax and we always have a good time no matter what, which is strange that I don't really get that much with anyone else unless I'm in the right mood. In a way, I'm a leader of the group, not completely but a little. We talk about the whole leader and following thing and popularity in school and whatever (**** we talk about everything).

If I see people all the time, I dont even get to know em, even if I see em all the time. I just wait until I meet em through friends or until I meet em outside of where I usually see em. ("hey don't you go to ____?" or "I've seen you at _____."). I barely ever talk to people I don't know (cashiers, random people).

I'm sure this is a confidence issue. Cuz there are times I'm a lot more outgoing. If I'm in a good mood, or if I'm high or tipsy (instant confidence boosters lol). I don't get obnoxious or cocky either when I'm in that better mood, I just feel like I'm being myself more. I'll talk to strangers and everything about nothing. I just have to be at a certain vibe and mood, I don't even have to use substances or any of that.

I know it was a long post, thanks for reading.