ProjectX & others facing similar situations, I was compelled to join this thread in order to present some things for you to consider re: suicide.
1) What if you don't succeed?
2) There is someone out there who "gets" you and can help you; don't stop searching
3) You need to fully understand the impact of suicide on those left behind.
Three months ago, my husband tried to kill himself. My husband's weapon of choice was his vehicle, but it really doesn't matter about the weapon. His actions could have caused him to become a quadriplegic or paraplegic. He could have existed in a vegetative state. The shattering glass could have blinded him. He could have lost a limb. So many things could have happened besides death which would have
permanently altered both of our lives because of one selfish act on his part. He was fortunate enough to escape with a broken leg, broken nose, & broken orbital socket.
Have you considered what your life would be like if you failed? Who would take care of you? The parents you aren't so happy with right now? Right now, you still have
potential to achieve, but if you were in a vegetative state, that would pretty much be out of the question. (Please, no flames re: those w/disabilities b/c that's not my point)
Back to my husband; he spent one week in the psych ward of the hospital on lock down. Because he was under the influence at the time of the collision, & some other work-related & past issues, he had to attend IOP therapy (Intensive Outpatient) for substance abuse while he was there. He got SO MUCH out of that one week because of the manner in which the director of the program delivered the information, that when he was released, he voluntarily decided to commit to this program for 6 weeks. Mind you, this would be his THIRD rehab, but something about this guy (the director) got THROUGH to my husband so that he wanted to hear more.
We are currently living apart right now, but still communicating & seeing each other a few times per week. The turnaround I have witnessed in this man has been AMAZING ! He is more positive, his self-esteem is slowly returning after a 5-year absence, he has opinions, he participates in conversations, he is working his program (i.e., sober), he reaches out for help when he needs it instead of isolating, and offers help to others who are tempted to use. Just in three short months. (However, having been through almost 5 years of relapse-recovery-relapse-recovery, etc., I still live one day at a time
)
The point is not that my husband is an alcoholic. The point is, he found someone he could relate to that understood where he was & had been (director is an A too). Suddenly, things seemed more clear. This could happen for you too. Seek help in overcoming these feelings you have and don't stop until you find that person who "gets" you AND can also help you.
Don't let these thoughts of suicide be your focus, because you have NO idea the impact on the lives of those you leave behind. Remember, you are not thinking clearly right now, and the worst place you can be is "in your head".
You owe it to yourself, and everyone who knows you, to read this e-book by Dr. Paul G. Quinnett called
Suicide: The Forever Decision at the following link:
QPR Institute
It's free, you can read it online or download it, and it contains everything you need to think about before making a drastic decision like suicide.
I know this post was long, and I truly hope you are beyond these thoughts. But I just felt I had to present this information in case you were still serious about this. Please know that I care, even though I don't know you - and remember, it's never too late to have a happy childhood. It's all about how you frame it in your mind. (Yeah, I know - easier said than done, but I'm one who's done it, so I know of what I speak)
TerBear