Approximately 4 weeks ago, I became single again.
He was my first love. We were in love, compatible (according to the pre-marital counselling we did) and wanted to get married after a year of dating. Unfortunately his parents did not think so and opposed us together.
He mentioned breakup at that point in time, but quickly retracted it and said that he loved me and if he were to leave me, he'd spent his time looking for someone else exactly like me but someone his parents would approve. We agreed to work things out.
To be honest, at the beginning, I didn't even take the issue seriously. This was due to a number of reasons.
1. My parents are always supportive of what I do that I never felt the need to have to seek their approval for my actions, but simply notify them out of respect.
2. Given the century we live in now, I didn't think people still thought they could control their childrens' lives.
3. His parents are pastors at our church and always nice and polite to my face and never once indicated that they disapprove me to my face. Even when I later on confronted them face to face, they were evasive.
At any rate, I made a decision to take the responsiblity for a few changes so that I can appear to be more ideal daughter-in-law material to them. These include:
1. changing career to something that's more stable
2. learning to cook
3. try and put some weight on (I am underweight but healthy)
When I made the decision, I said to myself that the only way for this to work was if I did it for myself and I genuinely took the opportunity to improve myself for my own good and did it cheerfully and with some marked results (except for the weight part).
Perhaps due to the lack of agreed upon performance indicators, his parents never saw the change and continued to oppose us. He had a number of heated arguments with his dad which resulted him being threatened to be disowned if he insisted on marrying me. This matter dragged out for the next year while we tried different strategies to work things through.
He brought up the option of breakup a few times throughout the period and we had a discussion each time and decided to keep working. I had been optimistic throughout the period and saw the situation as temporary. I guess he was getting more perssimistic and eventually believed that his parents would never change and that he had to make a decision. So he decided to break up with me.
I agreed to it at last because:
1. I was getting exhausted as well and while I was happy to keep going, I was not going to do it on my own.
2. I had came to term with the possiblity that he plainly did not love me enough to overcome this obstacle with me, and that I deserved someone who loved me as much as I love him.
3. He communicated his message in a way that got to me, he said that he believed he can find someone better than me. As soon as he said that, I stopped myself and said, ok, if that's what you want, good luck.
I cried that whole day that day while we talked, and the next day (at work), then I stopped crying (mostly). It was so difficult at first, the days seemed so long but then they got quicker.
I had come to term with the fact that the breakup was for the best at the time. The relationship had not been the same for months as our communication channel blocked. He admitted that he had been considering this breakup for months and slowly pulling away from the relationship.
I had been determined to get something possitive out of the demise of the relationship that would equate my pain. I had been looking and I found them. I now enjoy a much closer relationship with God, my family and my friends. I now stop to "smell the roses" and I am much more disciplined in terms of keeping my promises to myself, to push through the pain with my eyes on the goals. All in all, it's been a fantastic learning curve and I am grateful for the experience. As much as I hoped to gain this while I was in the relationship, the break was really the catalyst for the breakthrough I needed.
I had stopped asking the why questions (why would his parents treat me the way they did being disciples of God who said to love everyone the way God loved us, why would he say he can find someone better than me being the kind man he is).
The internal dialogues which used to make me cry now make me stop for a moment before I move on. Although... with a post-grad exam tomorrow, I can't really afford too many distractions at this moment.
I do have a question though. While I have mostly let go, there is a small part of me that still hoped that our time apart would not be permanent, that we'd both learn our lessons separately and come together at a later stage.
I had only shared this thought with our counsellor and a close friend, and they both seem to think it's harmless. In fact, the friend said that the fact I still wanted to be with him despite what he did showed that I had no pride and humility is what God loves.
I do not entertain this thought to myself often but when I do, I question how I can completely move on when I still feel this way? Should I not insist on cutting off all possiblities of us being together before being truely free?
What do you think? Thanks for reading through this massive post and for your replies.
