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kenakari · 10-23-2007, 07:27 PM

If this is not allowed, please let me know and I'll delete.

I keep thinking I'm not good enough to do anything. I don't do my work because I'm paralysed with fear of making errors. I work as a consultant and I'm scared to go to clients because I don't want to mess up. I know deep down I could do this job and enjoy it, but I can't seem to get the motivation to DO instead of just BE.

At my last employers, my depression got so bad that I shattered, and the company therapists warned I was a danger to myself and others. I got out of that state without using drugs, and for a while I was fine. I'm sliding again, and I can't seem to get up the willpower to stop it. My mind is jumping from place to place, and I'm getting frustrated with myself because I can't focus.

All I want to do is curl up under a bed and hide, but I keep forcing myself to act normal and come into work, even though I take a whole day to do something that usually takes 15 minutes when I'm up. It's like I'm split: one part of me is looking at how I'm acting, berating and screaming at me to shape up before I wreck everything again and the other part is thinking why bother trying if I'm going to mess up, and that I'm no good anyway, and I'm fooling people by letting them think otherwise.

My husband and son are being affected by the way I am, as the slightest thing going wrong makes me frustrated and defensive. And I feel guilty, because if I loved them enough, if I loved myself enough, I would change. They don't deserve this.

Is anyone else afraid to be happy? How do you deal with feeling like this? I'm tired fighting.

10-23-2007, 07:27 PM	#1 (permalink)
kenakari Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: West Indies Posts: 13	Why do I keep choosing to be unhappy? If this is not allowed, please let me know and I'll delete. I keep thinking I'm not good enough to do anything. I don't do my work because I'm paralysed with fear of making errors. I work as a consultant and I'm scared to go to clients because I don't want to mess up. I know deep down I could do this job and enjoy it, but I can't seem to get the motivation to DO instead of just BE. At my last employers, my depression got so bad that I shattered, and the company therapists warned I was a danger to myself and others. I got out of that state without using drugs, and for a while I was fine. I'm sliding again, and I can't seem to get up the willpower to stop it. My mind is jumping from place to place, and I'm getting frustrated with myself because I can't focus. All I want to do is curl up under a bed and hide, but I keep forcing myself to act normal and come into work, even though I take a whole day to do something that usually takes 15 minutes when I'm up. It's like I'm split: one part of me is looking at how I'm acting, berating and screaming at me to shape up before I wreck everything again and the other part is thinking why bother trying if I'm going to mess up, and that I'm no good anyway, and I'm fooling people by letting them think otherwise. My husband and son are being affected by the way I am, as the slightest thing going wrong makes me frustrated and defensive. And I feel guilty, because if I loved them enough, if I loved myself enough, I would change. They don't deserve this. Is anyone else afraid to be happy? How do you deal with feeling like this? I'm tired fighting.