[iarlaitha]

Hello everyone

I have been reading the blog entries and forum for about 6 months now and I have been trying to implement positive changes. I am Irish but living in Southern Europe - I am enrolled on a graduate study course but on a very low income at present which I need to change, and also pretty isolated. I have suffered from chronic PTSD for many years, but I think the mistake I have made is to try to solve the past rather than just moving forward. I have realised that I was not following my bliss - I have only just started to ask myself the question "what brings me joy". I have started to paint, I have ambitions to write and to see whether I can switch the research I am doing to something closer to my joy. I find it very hard to make decisions, and in bad patches (like now) I become very concerned about what others think of me, and I do not seem able to get anything done: to the extent of hardly leaving my room and just being overwhelmed with negative thoughts and sadness. Over the summer I began to realise what things bring me joy - but since i returned to the university i have been experiencing a slide backwards. I have a mindfulness therapist and I enjoy meditating. On my lowest moments I feel as if the past is so messed up that there is no way that any of my ambitions can be fulfilled in this life.

At the moment I am concerned that many good things are passing me by because I am not acting productively - I am hardly living at all. Perhaps I should instigate a programme of meditation and exercise (I already eat very healthily) and a strict schedule to get me into the zone of productivity? Perhaps I need you all to keep an eye on me? My goals are to see whether the current research brings me true joy - and whether moving would assist me in my ambitions, also I aim to write a film review I have been commissioned to do, contact various people who could provide me with work for an increased income, and I would like to do something with the novel I have been intending to work on.

It is as if I can see what is wrong (for example inaction) but I cannot change the behaviour - so how can I change my insights into action?

I would be so grateful for any assistance!

Iarlaitha