[persephonevii]

So today I was sitting on the lounge wondering why I always get so nervous about speaking my own piece or opinion in RL or on the net. Or why I get so cranky or depressed when someone disagrees with me or proves me wrong?

It occurred to me a few questions: Why do I get so worked-up in the first place? Because I am wrong. But why is it so bad to be wrong?

I have never really thought about it properly. Sure I heard the epitaphs... people don't like to be wrong or to fail, etc. I'd nod my head along in faux sympathy and go along my merry old way.

I think I have this great, submerged desire to be always right or at least on the side considered to be right. I don't want to be seen on the wrong or mistaken side. I want to be right and correct. I want to be praised or sympathized with. And I certainly don't want any opposition!

Then when I do get opposition, I try to be rational about it: everyone has differing views, it is okay. It's okay to be mistaken, no one is perfect.

But I feel self-doubt, annoyance (even anger sometimes) at the opposition, I worry I'm not good enough, that I'm useless and I feel so naive and silly. So before long I'm seething about the 'stupid, stupid' opposition and then getting depressed about 'stupid, stupid' me.

It's also why I'm such a conformist, I don't have to deal with this emotional mess and it's wonderful and even life-affirming at times to have a hundred other people agree with you too.

But I don't think that's good enough. What if I ended up conforming to something in reality, was really awful? So I want to stand apart but not be wracked by a million negative emotions for days on end. I know there are people out there and in here who don't become cranky despots when proved wrong or when disagreed with, I want to know how to get there too.

I need to become someone who enjoys debate, doesn't mind being wrong and isn't so hung up about speaking my own mind.