Hi all,
First, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me!
cdn2wheeler: Jokes apart, I like your idea about giving positive reinforcement. After having a chat with my husband, I realise that he is frustrated as well because he really doesnt know when I need appreciation and when he can be just himself
So we agreed that whenever I am feeling down, I will be honest and let him know about it, and give him a chance to help me. So feedback from my side to him has been lacking as well. I am going to give this a good try, giving feedback and positive reinforcement when he responds well.
Angela & aspiring_to_clarity: You are right. I need to get to the root of this. Getting my husband to understand is only making it a bit easier for me. But in the long run, I know I can only feel better when I get to the root of it.
Through out my childhood I have been the good kid, doing my work well and being obedient to my parents. And my family have had the highest regard for me, always praising me. When I came to college and had to live on my own, that was when I first had a bite of reality - I had to deal with the academic pressures, peer pressure, new culture and everything on my own. I struggled at first, and used to constantly end up telling myself that I was not good enough. But after a couple of months, I got into the groove. And I did reasonably well in college studies wise, though the self-criticism was a now a regular habit.
I was also fortunate to find very good friends during my study. And they filled the gap that was left with my parents and family being away. They were able to see my strengths and appreciate me and since they were not guys (!) they were very verbal about it. I drew my energy from their friendship. But I continued to feel inside of me, that I was somehow not good enough.
So yes, I have been feeling this way since I started college around 10 years back! The first time, someone made it clear to me was my best friend - to whom I had confided that I was feeling low - and she said, "you somehow seem to need people around you to feel you are doing a good job for you to feel good about yourself". So I have known this as well for a couple of years and have validated this need in me in a lot of situations along the way. But so far, I have always felt thats who I am and people close to me should accept me the way I am. Now I realise that this is not the solution. I want to be conscious about this feeling and stop myself from having negative thoughts. But I slip into those when someone criticises me or my intentions and then its like a downward spiral.
I have observed people who are more confident than me, my husband himself - and he is most of the times not affected much by what others say about him. He is able to be cool and composed and bring out his own reasons for his actions in a way that the other person can relate to it. For me, I get ticked off and change the topic. I then brood over it on my own till it reaches a point of time where I am criticising myself and the other person and its all so unhealthy and sad!
I am still kinda confused what to do. But this is what is really happening with me. I am not sure how to get to the cause of the whole thing.
Thanks all for your time!
Gita