[Livgivare]

You all read about the letter I had to write. I hated that stuff, that made me feel so bad. Then I got a minior caugh and gave in to an advice my boyfriend told me, and I tried it out. That one was to sleep longer and I got up at 10 instead of 8 a moring and now I am back at my old sleeping pattern that I so hate. I read less in the books and feel that I am getting back at where I came from. Only with the feeling that I do like fruits more and buy them at the store and that I walk but feel that it is bad to walk when I have a caugh, because that is what my boyfriend told me too, to not walk if I got sick and the weather is bad. And the weather has been strange lately, and I have been unable to really figure out what to wear to not become overly swetty or overly cold. (That's the way it is with fall in Scandinavia).

Today I watched a Dr. Phil show where he told the audience (it was a show on single girls tired to be single) that if you gotta get a good man you gotta stay on the road and find your authentic self. I find out that when I listen to some advice from my boyfriend I loose that authentic self just because he tells me that I need to be able to compromise with what I want and what I can do, and what other see is bad for me at the moment. Yet again I feel like each and every time I try to pull myself back together in life, someone tells me that I am doing it the wrong way and that I need to make changes that please someone else who feels that I am not that well fitted for pulling myself back together.

Sometimes I just wanna scream out: Hey I might have had a long tirm depression and a really strange childhood with nothing working, and that lead me to even more depression, but I wanna be fine now and try to love myself and get back up on the horse (that life is supposed to be like a wild good horse that you just take controll over and ride into the night with) and for the first time really be able to be me and do what I want. The worse thing is that when I say that I always hear from my boyfriend: But what do you have me for then?

My therapist say that I need to think like this: I am not sick, I want to feel healthy be able to be who I am, and I need a relationship that is equal to me too. And then she also says that I need to ask the same question back that my boyfriend asks me. I've done that, get no good answer out of him. Then he starts to show off his good side and tell me how much he have helped me and all the love he has for me. Then he tells me that I do have good sides about myself and I tend not to listen because that is just coming as an reply on a question I have with him all the time to not make me feel so bad.

I do love him, I wanna marry him. But how do I tell him, that if he don't stop giving me advices and take no for an answer. And some times he even give me challanges that I have to say yes to (no is not an answer here either) it before I even know what it is all about. I do try to tell him what I need but he then says that I am just too complicated to understand.

Somethimes I blame myself just because I had the history and that I am a single child with the strange act of wanting to do all things my way and when someone tells me not to, I change and make myself loveable the way they like it, and I hate myself even more after that, because who loves a person who changes just to feel loved.

Is it OK to say no, to do the same thing my boyfriend does to me: Tell him that there is a challange and that he has no option to say no as an answer. Tell him that if he wants a healthy relationship with me he has got to help me with the things I want help with and then just be happy about who I am and leave it there. I also want to Stop feel so guitly about me failing when I do give in. Because I do feel that the trouble is part mine to get the blame on.

Sometimes this turmoil turns me into a girl telling myself that I am not a good girl with an intelligent head and sometimes I even think that there is something wrong with my verbal self, the one that always is my greatest joy in life, the fact that I can write and say things just the way I want to say it and not even have to correct myself much afterwards (just tiny spelling errors or gammar faults or something like that)...I hardly even go back an change a single word when I write anything here becuase I know how to say things when I write them and don't think that the thing I want to say the way I say it is bad.

What is wrong with me. Why can't I have enough of strengh to just live my life and have the authentic self I want and be perfectly happy about it. I so think that my problem is there and that my boyfriend needs to just step back a bit and try to be happy for what I do is right when I do a right thing...just at times tells me when I fall off the horse and need to get back on top of it again...that is what I really want...

Love Leelene