Okay, I've read some of your other posts. So I see where you are coming from.
I must say that you are highly articulate and expressive for someone that has nothing to go on living for. Where do you find the drive to be so incisive in your thinking, and expressive of your thoughts on existence? If you really had nothing to live for, I doubt you would find it in you to do this. And if you were such an awful person, you wouldn't care two hoots about the nature of life and death. I think you have a great strength that you have difficulty accepting or even admitting. You're not so bad after all :-)
I read that you said you tried meditating and all of that, with no success. I can tell you that is harder (and yet more simple) than most people (even those that profess to have mastered it) know. I used to practice for about 4 hours a day over a 15 year period using Meditation, Tai Chi, and Chi Gung as complimentary ways of moving from the outer to the inner, or from physical to spiritual. What I found is that it takes enormous discipline, but also that discipline is its own reward. There is a way for anyone to find a deeper connection in their life. We are all different in that regard. If you were here with me right now, I bet I could show you a way that works for you. You may not want to take it, but the way would there regardless.
I'm not trying to convince you of anything, as god knows I understand about waking up disappointed that you are still alive. It's just that I know the power of both ends of the spectrum, and I know that there is more to you than you say or that you admit to.
Best,
John
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