[NotesMaeve]

My daddy issues kept me from losing weight for a long time. He told me how my weight made me unworthy, ugly, stupid, lazy, and I kept the weight on. He was very abusive during my childhood, and even though he restricted food, my weight was troublesome.

It's no longer a problem to keep my weight down now that I have left him in the past, where he belongs. For a long time after I kicked my dad out of my life, I maintained a weight of 120 to 125 lbs. My body just wasn't quite where I wanted it to be. My arms and breasts were a little flabby. I had a boyfriend telling me, "Well, yeah, I could definitely see hotter women at the mall." I felt bad because I moved to Sacramento to be with him and yet my body wasn't good enough. I got stronger. I dropped to 115 via exercise and better diet. People began to notice me and the then boyfriend got more jealous and the insults increased TENFOLD.

Easy to fix: I dumped the boy and kept the city! Two days later, I had this BEAUTIFUL man sitting in my lap. Two days after that, he said to me over Thai food, "Your body is perfect just the way it is. You have an amazing body and look great." I dropped ten more lbs. and my weight is pretty much stable. Doesn't mean I don't still love junk, but eating healthy is just so very simple.

I converted to vegetarianism. I never thought I'd be fine without fish even! It's bizarre. An active lifestyle is just so easy. I've walked over three miles today just going grocery shopping. I eat food that I am happy to buy from the local farmers' market. I feel like when I buy from local growers/bakers it nourishes my soul as well as my body. I live in a community that values sharing over consuming, and it shows on the bodies.

I never eat anything that isn't delicious. I never deny myself. There is no reason to hoard. Today I bought a loaf of fresh bread, some almond butter, and apple butter. I share this with my landlady because there's a bounty. I don't have to deny myself. I don't stop eating until I am full.

Tonight I had fettucine alfredo, and ate every bit I made. And know what? I deserve it. I deserve all the coconut tortes, all the pizza, all the alfredo, all the raspberries, all the fresh spinach, all the ice cream, and all the other delicious food in the world. To borrow a line from Margaret Cho, I have denied myself enough for a thousand lifetimes. Why should I waste one more minute?

When I dropped that attitude that I need to deny and restrict myself, the weight just stayed off like magic. I deserve tasty and nutritious food that came from a place of love. My body has become a reflection of what I consume. And you know what? It's only going to get better.