Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - How Would You Deal with an Unstable Spouse?

Lola · 10-05-2007, 03:56 PM

Aichaku,

I have the distinction of reading your post with the eyes of first-hand experience. Your description of your husband contains many signs of an abuser - emotionally, psychologically and financially.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship
from Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships

DO YOU:
Feel afraid of your husband much of the time?

Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your husband?

Feel that you can't do anything right for your husband?

Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

Wonder if you're the one who is crazy?

Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

DOES YOUR HUSBAND:
Humiliate, criticize or yell at you?

Treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

Blame you for his own abusive behavior?

See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Have a bad and unpredictable temper?

Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

Threaten to take your children away or harm them?

Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

Force you to have sex?

Destroy your belongings?

Act excessively jealous and possessive?

Control where you go or what you do?

Keep you from seeing your friends or family?

Limit your access to money, the phone, the car?

Constantly check up on you?

Did you answer yes to several of those questions?

You say he's never physically abused you - are you certain? Ever been pushed? Ever had a hand slapped away when you reached out to him? Ever been "accidentally" bumped into with force? Ever had him poking you in the chest with his finger while he's in your face yelling at you? Ever been backed up against the wall - literally? Ever been forced to have sex when you did not want to? I just want to point these things out because often we claim no physical abuse simply because he hasn't (yet) hospitalized us or beaten us or our children black and blue. Any physically aggressive behavior, especially combined with the issues you describe of manipulation, control, keeping you off balance (control), anger, financial restrictions, blaming you (and others? boss, co-workers, other drivers, store clerks...) for his bad feelings and/or behavior, is physical abuse.

And if it's ONLY emotional or psychological abuse - understand that this is just as detrimental as punching you. It is designed to chip away at you little by little and will only continue to escalate with time. The scars of emotional abuse may not be visable like bruises but they run deep and are terribly damaging to your feelings of self-worth, independence and capability.

Abuse, in whatever form - emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, economic - is the sole responsibility of the abuser. His abuse is not your fault. It is not a marital problem. It is not a relationship problem. It is not a couple problem. It is HIS problem. Joint counseling is completely ineffective, and may in fact make things much worse for you (by giving him even more opportunity to minimize, deny, and then blame you - maybe he'll "get you back" for "airing your dirty laundry" with a third party).

Your contribution to the situation is continuing to tolerate it. Seeking counseling may be beneficial for you individually - if it's safe for you to do so.

Search online for resources and information. Come back here to talk it out. Check in your community for agencies that provide domestic violence programs. It sounds like you still have the ability to exercise clear, decisive, independent thought. Look at your situation objectively. See if anything I've said rings true for you. Trust your intuition and take appropriate action.

Good luck - let us know how you're doing.

10-05-2007, 03:56 PM	#6 (permalink)
Lola Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 679	Aichaku, I have the distinction of reading your post with the eyes of first-hand experience. Your description of your husband contains many signs of an abuser - emotionally, psychologically and financially. Signs of an Abusive Relationship from Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships DO YOU: Feel afraid of your husband much of the time? Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your husband? Feel that you can't do anything right for your husband? Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? Wonder if you're the one who is crazy? Feel emotionally numb or helpless? DOES YOUR HUSBAND: Humiliate, criticize or yell at you? Treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see? Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? Blame you for his own abusive behavior? See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person? Have a bad and unpredictable temper? Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? Threaten to take your children away or harm them? Threaten to commit suicide if you leave? Force you to have sex? Destroy your belongings? Act excessively jealous and possessive? Control where you go or what you do? Keep you from seeing your friends or family? Limit your access to money, the phone, the car? Constantly check up on you? Did you answer yes to several of those questions? You say he's never physically abused you - are you certain? Ever been pushed? Ever had a hand slapped away when you reached out to him? Ever been "accidentally" bumped into with force? Ever had him poking you in the chest with his finger while he's in your face yelling at you? Ever been backed up against the wall - literally? Ever been forced to have sex when you did not want to? I just want to point these things out because often we claim no physical abuse simply because he hasn't (yet) hospitalized us or beaten us or our children black and blue. Any physically aggressive behavior, especially combined with the issues you describe of manipulation, control, keeping you off balance (control), anger, financial restrictions, blaming you (and others? boss, co-workers, other drivers, store clerks...) for his bad feelings and/or behavior, is physical abuse. And if it's ONLY emotional or psychological abuse - understand that this is just as detrimental as punching you. It is designed to chip away at you little by little and will only continue to escalate with time. The scars of emotional abuse may not be visable like bruises but they run deep and are terribly damaging to your feelings of self-worth, independence and capability. Abuse, in whatever form - emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, economic - is the sole responsibility of the abuser. His abuse is not your fault. It is not a marital problem. It is not a relationship problem. It is not a couple problem. It is HIS problem. Joint counseling is completely ineffective, and may in fact make things much worse for you (by giving him even more opportunity to minimize, deny, and then blame you - maybe he'll "get you back" for "airing your dirty laundry" with a third party). Your contribution to the situation is continuing to tolerate it. Seeking counseling may be beneficial for you individually - if it's safe for you to do so. Search online for resources and information. Come back here to talk it out. Check in your community for agencies that provide domestic violence programs. It sounds like you still have the ability to exercise clear, decisive, independent thought. Look at your situation objectively. See if anything I've said rings true for you. Trust your intuition and take appropriate action. Good luck - let us know how you're doing.