[aichaku]

I'd have to preface this by saying that writing is easier than talking with a counsellor, because speaking it is harder for me than writing it. So I'm posting here about my problem which is overall, I am finding it difficult to deal with my unstable and inconsistent husband.

He has mood swings and though he is not physically abusive, he is capable of causing alot of emotional hurt and fear. I will not go into too many details but I have come to perceive a consistent trend which is this: He is uncommunicative and does not like me trying to negotiate things with him. He gets angry when I try to argue with him. Then he becomes even more uncommunicative and withdraws his "co-operation". Sometimes he will leave my son and I in a lurch.

An example is family meals. In good times, it is the standard procedure for him to dictate the eating time, to talk to us about what to eat and we will eat together. In his bad days, he will not even ask if we have eaten and we have to guess when is the eating time and whether he wants to eat or not. He does not see this as a problem. He will say it is our problem - that we have become too dependent on him - that we should take the initiative and settle our meals ourselves. The cycle repeats itself: When he returns to his good mood, we get hopeful and think he is being loving to us. Then we are shocked into confusion when he withdraws in his bad mood.

He also tends to make monetary decisions on his own without consulting me - so far we have not yet gotten into any bad financials - in fact he has done well for the family. However, it does give me alot of unnecessary shock and causes upheaval in my personal plans - especially when he makes a risky venture - I need to put aside my own plans to be the stable provider in the family.

Previously I had tried to hide and avoid addressing this issue even though logically, it does not signify my own failing. Rather I slowly come to realise it might be the character of my husband that is flawed. I am actually very independent and can make decisions myself, however I find it difficult to try to bring my husband into our activities and decisions.

We had a big row yesterday and I have come to the final stage of acceptance of the truth - I'm trying to deal with it instead of hiding. For the first part, I realise that it is probably not my fault or my son's fault that my husband behaves this way.

Secondly, and the main point of this post is, I need to figure out what to do next on the family front - how best I can deal with this - so that I can make my life and my son's life less chaotic in the face of my husband's instabilities.

Do you have any advice to give? When I go to a counsellor, he/she would want my husband to come in for a session as well, however my husband will refuse. I think I need some concrete advise on how to deal with this, in the light that I need to do this without my husband's cooperation.