[sebzzz]

Hi,

I'll try to make this short and if you have any other questions, feel free to ask. (This goal wasn't achieved and the post is really long, but for those with the courage to go through it, thanks in advance!)

First a bit about my background:

I'm a 20 years old student in advertising in Ottawa and prior to that, I studied computer science in high school and college. I quit studying computer science when I got fed up of being classified as a nerd and I found advertising to be an interesting domain. I was, in high school, in fact, kind of what people refer to as nerd. I dressed badly, had problem communicating with others and was always studying instead of playing. I also had, and still have problems with my step dad, who had total control on me when I had no self confidence and was always on my case.

Someday, I'm nut sure how, I decided that something had to change and I started talking to people around me, dressed better, started going to the gym to get in shape. My self confidence boosted and I made some other friends and had lots of fun with them. The downside is that I lost interest in school by the same time and got a lot of difficulty getting good grades (opposite of before). By that time, I was in computer science in college, which I quit because the changes in my life I made made me lose interest in computer science. I started studying in general human sciences in college, but my grades where so bad and my interest in school so bad that I had to quit school for a bit finding what I want to do.

I then worked in a best buy for a couple of month to find this advertising course in an other college.

Now, I enjoy my advertising courses, not that I see myself in an advertising field latter, but that it teaches me some good business tricks. While in advertising, I started gaining interest back in computer science (especially the Linux Operating System and Web development). I thought, until I heard Steve's latest podcast, Creative Self-Expression, that I had a perfect match, learn Linux and Web dev. by myself (which is good since teachers I had in that field have been so bad) and finish my advertising course and latter have my linux promoting business (the project is a work in progress at solutions-linux.org) and a Website creation business with a friend (me = technical and coding and him = graphics, he's really good). Remember, this idea was still my main idea about my future until last week, so the idea is not rejected, but my feelings are starting to tell me something else.

In parallel to that, it's good to mention that my gym training had been doing pretty badly. I tried to gain muscle mass for about 2 years and a half but with all the effort (mental, training, nutrition, ...) I only got small muscle gains and started getting a fat belly. I shifted my mind about 8 month ago and starting doing aerobic work (mostly running). I enjoyed it and saw a better me after just a couple of weeks. I started training with the same friend from the Web site creation thing for an half-marathon which I did back in May. It was a wonderful experience and I've now started training for the complete Marathon in May 2008 here in Ottawa. I now feel pretty good about my body (even if I get the comment that I'm pretty skinny) and I enjoy running a lot, like a sort of meditation.

By the way, I went from marginal (nerd in his books) to normal (school is no good kind of thinking) to marginal again (training for a marathon, eating only healthy foods, introspecting a lot and applying marginal thinking learned on Steve's site). The difference between the past marginal state and today's is that today I feel good in my differences, I feel (not in a bad way towards others) that I learned things they have yet to learn (or things they will probably never learn about life unfortunately). Of course, when I see consciousness as just one big whole, I should not be happy with the fact that people around me seem so clueless about things like subjective reality, stress reduction, life purpose, contribution, etc... But, I often try to talk to people of my age about certain of those topics and find that it's like teaching programming to regular MSN Joe if you permit the analogy. So instead of struggling to help them, I work on getting better myself and see if it makes a difference. I'm actually finding that doing often talks more than talking, like the fact that some people who see me training for a marathon are starting to go to the gym.

Now back to the problem, even if I like computer science more than most people and that I have some good knowledge in the domain, I always have to push myself to get in my programming books and continue developing my Linux promoting Web site. It seems that I always find that I put other things instead of continuing developing my skills. Then, I thought that probably I enjoy doing computer related stuff much more than learning to do it. But, when I heard the podcast, I had a moment of truth with myself and now I can say that probably I don't enjoy computer science enough to make it my life purpose (of course I would like to see Linux adopted all around the world, but probably I don't see myself being the guy who makes a great difference in that manner). If I was so inclined to promote Linux, I would be much more knowledgeable in the field and would have done much more things (start Linux clubs, be implicated in forums). But, instead, I found myself pushing and struggling to do those stuff.

When I listened to Steve's podcast, the idea that this hobby will probably stay a hobby and that my life purpose is somewhere else gained strength. It also helped me shift my thinking to find something I enjoy and which would help the world in a certain way instead of something that I have knowledge for or that will make me do a lot of money.

Right now, running for miles and miles is the thing that I do without thinking about other things, that I don't struggle to do and that makes me feel the best about myself. I also enjoy reading Steve's blog and personal development books, and I'm always amazed to learn new ways of seeing a problem. There is a king a magnet between me and books with title like "Change or Die" and stories about people who where in the streets and are now leaders in their domain.

Lots of ideas are crossing my mind. One of those ideas, which I never thought of before the podcast, is speaking about subjects somewhat like Steve's to other people, maybe adult people since I find it so hard to make younger understand and use the concepts in their life (in other words, they don't care neither understand, they're in the "I'm in school to get a job after that and that's it" kind of thinking). In the process of loosing my shyness a couple of years ago, I also found that I enjoy public speaking, expressing my opinion to others, etc. A kind of motivational speaker maybe. For now, it's seems pretty unclear. Maybe giving workshops would atract people who are more ready for a change that my entourage so my ideas would be better received by them.

Other interests I would like to develop are social dance, Yoga and Kung Fu among others, but those are things I want to get, not things I want to give. I would also like to travel a lot and the idea of visiting Europe to meet people makes me dream a lot!

I also just wanted to say that Steve Pavlina helped me in a lot of the above mentioned changes and that a lot also came like magic from myself. I went from really depressed (some times even thinking about suicide) to really happy in life in general. I can even say that I'm the most happy person I know. Of course, there is room to grow, and things I want to do (get a better financial situation, find love, find my purpose), but overall, I'm feeling happy and this feeling comes mostly from the fact that in the back of my mind there is nothing impossible and that I know that I can go through a lot to get to my goals. I'm focused and feel that I'm going in the right direction towards life. Day after day, I'm seeing life like a wonderful journey a little more instead of a chore to go through.

So, in conclusion, I know this is a long post, but if anybody could guide me finding my life purpose, I would be eternally thankful since this would be the essence of my journey on earth and my contribution to others.