Thank you all so much. I haven't felt that sadness since I posted. Maybe just reaching out to people helped me.
Today's Pavlina's post,
Feelings, really brought it home to me. Now I see it's okay to post what I wanted ever since you good people answered me. This is what I almost posted few days ago, when I read Angela's response:
(quoting myself)
Quote:
Angela:
Quote: |
What happened? What was the earliest incident you can remember in which you felt that you have to be brave and pretend to be happy until you really are? Remember where you were? How old were you? Remember who was there, and what they said?
| Hi Angela, your name sure suits you. If I understand you well, you want me to remember how this bottling down mechanism evolved in the first place?
Well, I'll give it a shot. As far as I remember, I've always been watching someone from my family being in danger, so I realised from an early age that they just can't stay safe and won't be here forever.
I'm the youngest of four children, so I was always the one they protected from the bad news, but like all kids, you're smarter then them and find out on your own  I could see how scared they were each time. I was always the observer.
My brother and my father were both motorbike-fans. And they both had at least one accident a year. Some were life-threatening, some were harmless, but it made the feeling of insecurity stay for a long time in our house. And it still is present. My mother always panics when the phone ring in the middle of the night. I calm her down when I can.
She also had a few accidents and where we were frightened for her life. My eldest sister had health problems and stayed in hospital. My other sister also had a few car crashes, and is not perfectly healthy.
When I was 10, my brother got a new bike at age 18 and had a serious motorbike accident. I stayed home because they thought I was too young so I went to church and prayed. He woke up from coma and came home.
Six months later, on New Year's Eve, he and his girlfriend, who was 19 at the time,had a car accident. I remember someone knocked maniacally on the window and I had to call dad so he would go to them. I stayed awake and frightened with my friend and we watched TV. The next day we found out that she was in coma.
I remember praying one rosary after another that she would make it, but she died 2 days later. I have a huge hole in my memory about the time after this. I know it really scarred our family and tagged us. Years later, when I would say my surname, people from my town would still ask me: "Are you the ones with the accidents?"
Later my sister had drug problems. Her boyfriend went to jail, and I was the only one who knew. I helped her find ways to say "No" to him when he got out, and a few days later he had an OD and died. She would sleep in my bed later sometimes and shake. I thought we were cursed. I was scared for all of them.
My friends at school would look at me strangely, so I started to fake my mood. I sang all the time. After few months, I would always begin to feel happy for real. So I learned to fake it until I make it. Maybe then it started. First in school, later at home, too.
Now I'm 22, I really don't remember when exactly I picked this. I had plenty of situations to practice on, or it just fits in the same category in my memory.
I keep so cool, that on the funeral people approached to tell me "you are the bravest one, take care of your family".
Maybe that's the thing. I can only count on myself to keep calm. I turn off the emotional response because that's how I can see if someone's losing it.
Hey, something did came out of this writing! Angela, you're an angel!
Now that I have a part of understanding, I better write some more! I'll spare you from all the bad details, so I'm off to my journal.
Thank you, people!
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I know it's not good for me. I can't be strong/calm/reasonable for someone else. Only for myself.
I also realized I actually thought of the members of my family to be weak. I often see myself as more stable, but it actually makes me unstable, to think I'm supreme to someone. It's an awful thing to keep in your perception. And it's the very thing that makes me miserable.
So I'll stop it.
I'll observe my feelings, track them down and turn them around.
I will also completely stop judging others and be more tolerant. I really dislike when people think they're superior, and that very thing I've been doing to my family! Sometimes really what bugs us with someone else is what we don't want to keep with ourselves.
About the loss of my father...it is something I understand more then my feelings. I understand he really wanted to go, I almost knew he wants to go, and when he fell into that coma, I actually started saying goodbye to him. In every supportive word from my mouth I was actually telling him a big Thank You and I'll see you around, pops.
I'm grateful you all listened to me. It means a world to me.
Geekchick: save your teeth. You'll be grateful for them when you get older, and even more grateful for learning to trust your "vulnerability". Thank you for your advice!
The Cloud, Raji, Zukin, cdn2wheeler - thank you.
Love,
Lilly