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Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees  I know that it is better to get over our perceived "pain" and let go of our injuries, but how do you do that if the person who has injured you believes that they had the right to injure you? I would like to forgive and not carry around the anger anymore, and sometimes I'm able to just forget about that person, but othertimes it just eats me up inside!! Suggestions? |
The pain is not "percieved" it is authentic and real...
who is to say that emotional pain is not real? It is always a good idea to forgive those who apologize to us. But, what you speak of here is forgiveness without an apology. Yes it is excruciatingly difficult to do so, but the first step is becoming willing to forgive the person not only for harming you, but for also not apologizing to you. This is really more difficult than most people think and is not an instaneous process. Another approach if you find that one to hard, is to accept the harm. Accepting the harm done is a form of forgiveness, although it lies on the lesser end of the spectrum because you don't have a positive and powerful confrontation with the other person. This type of forgiveness isn't real forgiveness, but it does help you to internally lessen your own pain until you are ready to fully forgive. If you decide to take the tougher and ultimately more positive course, you will explain your values to the other person and seek for both of you to understand a. why the person harmed you, and b. why you were hurt by it. and c.what each of you can do to make the relationship better. This will be a very difficult conversation, and can be quite complicated to even get started. But the point is to try... and try again... sometimes really changing an aspect in yourself will help the other person see you in a new frame of light. There are even some who would suggest that you tell the person you forgive them anyway, even if you don't really feel it right now, because in some (not all) cases the person becomes receptive to you, and then the feelings of forgiveness come in later. Everyone has different needs in apologies and even forgivenesses(is that even a word?) A good book to read on Apologies is
On Apology by Aaron Lazare... and I also recommend
The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman.
But you have to realize that this takes hard work, and working through your REAL emotional pain barriers toward ultimate forgiveness, or effective apologies.
But this brings us to an interesting question that could start its own thread:
Why is apologizing so hard sometimes? Why is forgiving so hard sometimes?