Originally Posted by m18pak
First off, let me thank you all.
You have all been great.
However, I think I need to clarify my dilemma further, as while the advice I received was well-intended, it was also very much irrelevant to my situation; however, that was my fault - I didn't explain it well enough.
Firstly, I am not a typically depressed, stuck-in-misery, woe-is-me, I-just-want-to-die, crying-for-no-reason, helplessly pathetic, miserable, lethargic lump, hiding from the light of day underneath my blanket.
I am not really depressed in the way you guys are thinking of. I am not a normal person, and as such my situation is different.
I am not asking for help on dealing with my depression. I am asking for help on dealing with my shame.
The depression that occurs sometimes is but a symptom, a mere inconvenience compared to the real problem.
I am not worried about feeling miserable and alone. I really don't care. Jagged shards of melancholy have sliced my heart through and through. I ain't worried about that.
So without further ado, I shall present my case for your analysis.
I am intelligent, and this has been my saving grace. So far.
You see, while I am stuck in shame, the Context in my head is very much not that of a ashamed, suicidal person. I have read so many books telling of so many different paradigms, and you could say that I've extracted the distilled essence of all the wisdom I found in them straight into my head, via jacking in, if you will.
I mean, I have read just about all the articles on this website. I have read literally hundreds of books on this. All in the past year. I mean, I would not be surprised if I had a bigger database of factual knowledge on self-improvement in my head than Steve himself. Or the others I have encountered through the internet like Steve. I KNOW logically all I need to know. I have control of my thoughts. The problem is that there is a huge gulf between what I know in my head and what I feel in my body.
When I feel sad, I can control it and get rid of it very quickly. It's no more than an annoyance. I have mastered my mind, and as such, my emotions.
I have not, however, managed to go up a level of consciousness.
You know how little kids are scared of the bogeyman? Well, no matter how muh you explain to them that there is nothing there, they will still be sacred. They feel it. I am the same way. I am like an adult scare of the bogeyman. I KNOW there's nothing there. I can control my fear by making use of the sophisticated thought-processes I've devised to counter the raw emotional energy, but that's all I can do. Control it. I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know how to advance up a level.
In case you don't know, beliefs are basically energised thoughts. When you think a thought and attach an emotion to the thought, then you create a belief. And because it has become a belief, then it will elicit said emotion or feeling in the future. This is why simply using logic to contradict a belief generally does not work, as you must also remove the underlying emotional energy of the belief. Without doing so, the energy of the belief will be nearly impossible to overcome with cold rational argument. This is my problem. My underlying emotional state is shame. I feel it constantly. You can call it my level of consciousness or whatever, but its what I feel.
I am fine for most of the time. But when the seething pressure erupts through, I literally want to cover my face and scream at the top of my lungs. I want to rip out my eyes or smash my head into a bloody pulp against the wall. Something. Anything. Anything to make it go away. At such times words literally burst out of my mouth. It's almost like OCD. At those moments in time, the energy overwhelms me.
I have tried using emotion manipulation tools before (EFT, NLP, Doyletics, Sedona, BBSF etc...) on individual beliefs? Maybe I should try it on my overall state? But I don't know how I would go about that...
So basically, I need to know how to go up a level of consciousness. I don't need to feel better about myself: my problem is not as simplistic as that. I am already up and running. My CPU is working fine. Only the integrity of my circuits have been compromised.
I have gone up the levels before. Arriving at Fear was a particularly overwhelming experience for me. One moment I was heavily depressed. The next it was like an explosion had occured inside my head and I had been turned inside out and then put back together again. (Incidentally, it was a book that triggered such a dramatic shift)
The highest I ever went was Courage. It was so beautiful. It lasted only for a minute. But its memory stayed with me, like a dream of satin sheets and silky caresses and half-remembered passions, and upon awakening the scents, the feelings, and the sensations seems to linger for just a moment longer, teasingly, hanging phantom-like in the air, and you wish your dream had never ended.
But then, something happened, and I fell again. So close to the sun of my arrogance, my wings caught fire and were as ash, and so I fell. So I was punished for my hubris.
But anyway, what do I do? How do I consciously climb up the levels of consciousness? Is there a way?