[The Cloud]

Perhaps this was mentioned earlier (I admit that I didn't read every reply), but I believe that the ultimate cause of depression is a feeling of lack of control. Find out what you feel is controlling you against your wishes, and then you can work to let it go.

That being said, you seem to have the same problem I have, to a more extreme extent. You know that there is a you that is perfect, but the you that is isn't the perfect one. It feels as if you are just a reflection, reflecting what everybody believes and wants and needs, including the real you. So you're a conflicted mess because the real you wants one thing, but your boss wants you to want something else, and your friends something else, and society something totally different. The trick I found to keep from totally destroying myself trying to find the real me was to realize that the real me can't be forced. You don't control him. It's easier to think of him as a separate entity, a god if you will. A whole other being. And he tells you what to do, but you're too conflicted with what everybody else tells you to do to listen. You doubt him. What I believe you must do is to not doubt when you know that he is telling you something. Don't ask why, don't fight it, don't look at what he tells you as something to just fit into your life. He is your god, and you should listen to him as such. He won't speak all the time, because he knows that you won't listen all the time. Start listening, and maybe he'll start speaking more. And when you can't hear him, be satisfied with doing what you would normally do (other than suicide, that is definitely not going to get you what you want).

Take this all with a grain of salt, because I am still inexperienced with listening to my self when he speaks, and even more inexperienced in doing what he says without question, but I believe this is at least a step in the right direction to truly becoming the perfect being you are.