I don't know why, but I'm ashamed of being sad in front of people. I'm even a wee bit ashamed as I write this. I’m actually battling a fear here as I’m posting this.
I'm completely unable to cry in front of someone. I'm better at stopping tears then hiding my face, which I do as soon as my throat starts to hurt/before crying. I go home at any sign of feeling less than positive, and then make the feeling go away with sleep. I've been doing this since my childhood, when family tragedies taught me I have to be brave, and that I can pretend to be happy until I really am. Sounds nuts? Well that’s only the diagnose…
This April my dad died after 40 days of coma. Right now I feel huge, almost tangible sadness, like all the tears I swallowed over the past few months are here to burst, but I keep my cool, because someone may enter the room and what would I do then? I know this a lesson for me to learn, but seems to me I cannot help avoiding it.
I'm a genuinely happy person, grateful for all the things in my life, including the bad ones. I smile a lot with everyone, cracking jokes and keeping very calm in times of misfortune. I mostly hang out with people who make me happy, and vice versa. I have two-three close friends and a big family. I feel safe and loved. But I don’t talk or think about anything that hurts. People ask me how I feel, and I avoid the answer even to my dear ones.
This would never be a problem, unless there weren't times like this. It starts with me keeping unusually quiet, then tired inside, sad, and then my throat starts to ache and I hope no one will ask me anything cuz I could burst into tears. Then the cycle of swallowing the tears starts and I'm back at square one. It now happens every few days. That’s why I’m asking your help.
My family doesn't know, but I can't go to dad’s grave. I only go when I have to drive my mom there. I want to go there alone, but only went once, in the middle of the night when I got drunk. I laid on his grave and cried, but I could never do that without alcohol ( I probably wouldn’t be able to jump over the huge graveyard fence, too
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Sometimes I wake up in the morning and think how life is great. Of course it doesn’t take long until I remember that daddy died, so I have to remind myself of all that happened, and I refuse to think and talk about it cuz it hurts my throat and heart and it’s just pain on many levels. I only let myself think and talk about the wonderful memories that I have with my dad. It's just that I don't let myself to cry this grief. Example, I see mom’s still sleeping with his pajama, and it makes me cry, but I just don’t.
I feel like a complete emotional retard here. I have no way of expressing negative feelings. No one teaches you that.
Anybody have a clue where to start healing my inability? Should I learn to cry, physically let this out, or should I try to get to the underlying pain with some techniques?
I tried writing cycles on loss, tried journaling, but it’s like I miss the part of brain meant for this. Or maybe I miss another person validating my pain? Are we supposed to suffer in company?
p.s. I just spent a minute trying to paste the sentence “My dad died…”. Am I in denial here?
Thank you, who made it to the end of my post. Please write to anything that could change my perspective on this and maybe help me.
