Thanks for the support dayflyer. I feel much better than when I wrote the first post. For one thing, just getting that out, even on the pseudo-anonymous net.
It was very weird yesterday. I forgave myself for mistakes I made in the past. And I realized I don't have to see change as something to fear. I don't have to treat the present with a mixture of contempt and resentment. I feel alot better now. I don't know if it'll last. But it's working right now.
So the change I'm confronting without fear right now is quiting smoking. I had my last cigarette last night (Monday, 17th) at around 10pm. I went to bed around 10:30, and woke up at six. So I've been smoke free for 8.5 hours. which is a solid start, I think. I have the physical cravings, but no desire to smoke. My mantra is "I don't need to smoke, I don't want to smoke" even though I didn't really believe it when I started, it is sinking in. So maybe repetition, even if I don't believe it, will eventually change the way I look at some things. When I went to the gym this afternoon, I ran my two miles almost solid, so I already see a benefit.
It is becoming more clear to me that the things I can control are:
1) What I do
2) What I think
3) How I feel
The list of things I can't control is really short:
1) Everything else
gotta go
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