[dayflyer]

I just joined this post, so much of your thread has passed by already. What you are describing sounds so familiar, it seems haunting. I remember going through some very ugly, very bleak, and desperate times... I don't know if any of what I say will help you, but I will try. Two things were true in that time: I was praying a lot, and I was connecting with people. The praying connected me with God, and nurtured my faith, and gave me hope even when things were the worst. Connecting with people was a challenge because I was rapped up with a lot of self-loathing and angst, and it took finding people that cared about me, that I cared about and could be safe around to find the strength to work through the rest of it. Since then, I have overcome so much, the worst has passed.