Angela, ZHereford, THANKS for your answers
LOL Angela, it would be very funny to tell him such a thing.
But that's a good idea, really. You know what, I'll tell him. If he ever shows up once...
You're both right, I should first know what I want. I don't know! First of all I just want to see him. I want to talk with him. I changed very much in those three years, and he changed too, I saw that. I want to talk and see what everything looks like between us today. I don't want to make any decision based on a three-year-old situation!
What I want on the long term, I don't know. A fun adventure, sex: NO. Far too much feelings! A relationship? I don't know. I don't know if I generally want a relationship, actually I think I don't want any. I have one now, dying, and it doesn't feel right for me. I told my bf I will move out. I feel caged... most of all I want to feel free and do what I want. I am not the monogamous type either. On the other side, the day I fell in love with him, at that time, I dumped everyone and did not even look at any other man for the whole time we saw each other (over half a year). For someone as interested in sex as I am, that's very unusual. And now it's the same again, I went totally impotent from the minute I saw him again. So, I don't know. Maybe he's just the one for me. I'd walk to China for him, but can't we have a big love story without having a relationship?
To your points, ZHereford:
Well I know him quite well actually. Over half a year we saw each other very often and spent many hours together. We talked a lot. I saw him interact with many people at work too.
You're right, three years ago I had a BIG lack of self-worth. I worked hard on this one and I'm better now. Still not perfect I guess. And yes, unreliable or not fully committed men are a pattern in my life
Maybe because my father left me at the age of 2? First he was very unreliable visiting me, I always used to wait for him and he didn't show up. After a few months of this, he never showed up again and gave no warning and no explanation. (I talked with him about that 20 years later, he said he could not deal with the responsibility of having that child) Till today, waiting for someone who doesn't come/call is the worst thing that can happen to me. I know this is important, I'm working on that too. I'm sure there are some thoughts somewhere attracting such men again and again. It's hard work to change this, as it has been going on all of my life
Another reason why it was so difficult to get over him is what I told above. He's really a very special man for me. Sometimes I think that's THE man of my life.
His lack of integrity is one reason why I tried to forget him. Why it's not an absolute red flag... Well I'm used to such things from men as I told above... And it's because it doesn't look like him at all too. Maybe I'm totally idealizing him?? I noticed him
because of his integrity. He would never lie or cheat or do something twisted. He's a very straight forward person, he has principles and sticks to them. I admire him a lot for that. He's actually very reliable. Very often he does something because he has promised it. So that's very, very surprising that he's not like that with me. That's why I did not think "he is like this, he has no integrity"
I thought this not-showing-up has something to do with me, either personally or as a girl he likes. I thought, that's me causing this behaviour. I don't know how, maybe I'm too attached to him. Freedom is very important to him too, maybe he wants to see me but doesn't want to be accountable to a girl and have duties and so on? I would understand that very well. That's why I wrote I am doing something wrong. I think if I changed something in my behaviour or in my thoughts, he'd not do that. Am I wrong?