ok... I'm lost, I need some direct advice.
There's a man. I met him almost four years ago. I was in love with him like crazy. Sexual attraction from his side was clear. More, I don't know. I felt there was definitely more, but maybe it was just a wish. We spent many hours together. We did nice things, like going for walks in the forest and climbing on a building at 6 in the morning to watch the sunrise together. It was kind of romantic. But nothing ever happened. I was far too shy to do something, and I had thoughts like "not yet, I'm not ready, it's a too big thing.." And he, I don't know, he had genuine interest in me as a person, but I didn't know if there was more than friendship. He never tried anything. Plus, sometimes we arranged to meet and he just did not show up. He always had concrete reasons for not showing up, but he did not let me know in time. I was very angry about it. It happened three times, and the third time I told him "you're not worth it to me!". I am very sorry for this, it was too hard and additionally it was a lie.
But I could not apologize, for he had to travel abroad and we lost contact. I didn't see him for three years. I had a very hard time getting over this. My head told me, forget about this guy, he's not reliable, it would not work anyway. But it broke my heart and I could never totally forget about him.
A few weeks ago, after reading
Ask and it is Given, I thought "great! now I can see him again! I'll see him again soon." Two weeks ago I met him accidentally on the street. !!!! For me, it was like those three years had not existed at all. In one second everything was back. It was exactly the same again, same feelings, same everthing. It blew up my mind!
We were very happy to see each other again. He told me he had been trying to contact me a hundred times in those three years. He asked immediately for my email and phone number, and wanted to see me the very next day. We arranged that he would call me at 9am the next morning. Guess what? he did not call. He wrote my in the evening, apologized and told me he had to drive to another city because of work. The next day we arranged to meet after work. He did not show up. He wrote three days later to apologize and told me his grandmother had an accident and he had to go to the hospital.
He wrote a lot of nice things too. In his first email, he told me that now that we have found each other again, he will not give up that easily any more. He wrote that every time he heard <name of a love song> all this time, he always thought of me. He wrote two times more. He calls me "my sweet" or similar names. In every email he tells me that he thinks of me. He even said that if I am travelling away, he'll come with me. (but all this could be only-friendly as well)
Now the situation is: I am not angry this time, I wrote him a nice email on wednesday and I'm waiting for him to write back to arrange the next meeting-attempt. And he doesn't write back! He has no computer at home, but it's not that difficult to find one and answer an email... As I said in the thread about
how to be patient?, I'm generally too impatient. But this thing now especially drives me nuts. I just want to see him! And talk to him! (and apologize for my lie) (and maybe clarify what we want from each other now) Why doesn't he write back?! I can't help thinking something like "if I were really important to him, he would write back, he would want to see me asap!". (yes I know, bad thought...)
I know you're going to tell me "concentrate on your life, do what you have to do, he'll write back, it's only a few days, and if he doesn't, he's not worth it.." But I think I am doing something massively wrong on this one. (From a LoA PoV of course, I focus on him not writing back, so I get more of him not writing back..) What should I do? I don't know how to behave. Should I write him I want to see him? Should I wait no matter what? when I eventually see him should I say/do something? The question is, am I running too much after him, or not enough??
What makes it difficult too is that I don't know which signals I send to him. When I see him I am totally overwhelmed. I almost don't understand what he says. To salute me, he puts his right arm around my shoulders and gives me a kiss on my left cheek, and I am not even able to give him a kiss back. I just stand there paralyzed, not able to react. We met accidentally three times now and talked for five minutes. We talk a lot, we both smile at each other from one ear to the other all the time, I'm very nice to him, but the situation is so overwhelming that I don't know if objectively I am just friendly or if I am looking at him like a groupie, or what.
I have the impression that it's written with big marker across my face of course, but maybe my feelings are not that obvious? Or they are, and that's what holds him back?
I don't know, I need your input, pleeeeease...
