Hi,
I'm not a frequent poster in these forums. But I just experienced something so heart-wrenching that I just ... had to tell others. I'm not saying that this can help other people, I just want to hear what you have to say. Though I already made the cowardly choice...
I'm 30 years old. And my mind was filled with all sorts of notions and knowledge and tips about seduction and what not. But not enough "application".
Then came a time when I found someone I was really attracted to, someone I could really hang out with. As friend or as lover. I started getting close to her. Eventually, she became my girlfriend...
... then things started getting... wierd - for lack of a better term. We eventually had sex. My first time. Letting the hormones rage. And then... eventually...
... i lost "feelings" for her. Intellectually, i loved her. I'm willing to stay with her, not give up on her, etc. I can do it like a robot. Logically. And I wanted to be honest to her so bad, so I told her. I told her that there's no more feelings, but I choose to love her.
She didn't want that. She already saw something like that - she saw it in her parents' situation. She didn't want a marriage like that, where she's madly in love, and her partner is going "umm...ok i love you. I can do x,y,z for you."
Turned out she was pregnant. She didn't want any of my help. I'm not worried about her friends labeling me a maniac, a user. I deserve that - I was. But I want to be there for her. And yet, she asked me if I loved her, and I couldn't answer with a pure heart. I wanted to choose to love her, but she didn't want a forced kind of love. She wants the real thing.
It aches my heart. Can't I choose to love her? Can't I go with my logic? I remember a quote where the definition of courage is not the absense of fear, but acting despite of fear. Isn't this the case for this as well? I can throw caution to the wind - who cares right? Go after her. I haven't even introduced her to my parents. I haven't even seen her parents personally. I can do that. I can go there, quit my job, start a new one there, as she got pregnant. I can take care of her...
I remember an SP article...
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...y-big-problem/
She was, "objectively", a gem of a girl. I doubted because of what other people might say. Call me the worst thing in the world - because I was. I was the worst thing in the world when I couldn't tell her I love her, after all she did for me. After all the love she gave...
She wanted out. She said we should move on. She's already a "veteran" of 3 breakups (me being the third). God.... I'm such a jerk.
What (I think) I learned? On a practical level, use condoms. On a really emotional level - really love a girl completely if you're gonna enter a relationship. But I didn't follow that, there, I'm just saying empty words. I'm so good with words, but the action seems lacking...
And so - I left her. She's leaving tomorrow, back to her parents. I cost her a lot of things, even her job I think. And where am I? Here, typing on the forums, not having the courage to stand up to what I did. Because she didn't want any of it? No - I'm a coward. God, I hate myself.
Hard times ahead of her. God... I really hate myself right now. But hey - I'm here typing, and she's there taking care of all the people she loves...