Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Polyamory, Open Relationships, Swinging and Living Consciously

JoaquinFox · 11-16-2006, 10:58 AM

I guess I should disclose that I am a gay man. So I guess anyone I would be interested in dating would also potentially be interested in whoever else I was dating. It seems that the accepted social norm with gay men is to actually have several partners even while you have a committed "first or primary" relationship. However, in most cases, it seems the expectation is to turn a blind eye to the other partner's behavior and certainly there should be no communication involved with this behavior. That model just strikes me as so unhealthy, unloving and destructive.

I am not opposed to monogamy in the least, but I am curious about the possibility of having an expanded network of lovers who can all consciously and lovingly share their lives together. When I was actively trying to find this I went out on several dates and would mention this early on in the dating process to weed out anyone who would be disinterested in this sort of relationship model. Most people thought I was weird and actually encouraged me to not voice things in this way. A few even encouraged me to keep silent and to lie about my desire to date more than one person...I guess because they couldn't imagine that what I was trying to tell them was actually thinking about a long term relationship like this and not just trying to sleep with a lot of guys on a nightly basis.

Of course if your going to cultivate this kind of relationship in the long term you have to be committed to it in the long term. After about 90 days of trying to maintain this all, but one of the relationships fizzled, because mostly people WEREN'T uncomfortable that I was sleeping with other people, but because I was open about it. One guy actually told me this.

I don't know if that actually provides any sort of insight on how a healthy, loving and conscious polyamorous relationship could be acheived, but it was interesting to me that these people were more comfortable with dishonesty with several partners than the possibility of having an open and loving relationship with several partners.

11-16-2006, 10:58 AM	#8 (permalink)
JoaquinFox Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Brooklyn, NY Posts: 22	maybe relevant, maybe not I guess I should disclose that I am a gay man. So I guess anyone I would be interested in dating would also potentially be interested in whoever else I was dating. It seems that the accepted social norm with gay men is to actually have several partners even while you have a committed "first or primary" relationship. However, in most cases, it seems the expectation is to turn a blind eye to the other partner's behavior and certainly there should be no communication involved with this behavior. That model just strikes me as so unhealthy, unloving and destructive. I am not opposed to monogamy in the least, but I am curious about the possibility of having an expanded network of lovers who can all consciously and lovingly share their lives together. When I was actively trying to find this I went out on several dates and would mention this early on in the dating process to weed out anyone who would be disinterested in this sort of relationship model. Most people thought I was weird and actually encouraged me to not voice things in this way. A few even encouraged me to keep silent and to lie about my desire to date more than one person...I guess because they couldn't imagine that what I was trying to tell them was actually thinking about a long term relationship like this and not just trying to sleep with a lot of guys on a nightly basis. Of course if your going to cultivate this kind of relationship in the long term you have to be committed to it in the long term. After about 90 days of trying to maintain this all, but one of the relationships fizzled, because mostly people WEREN'T uncomfortable that I was sleeping with other people, but because I was open about it. One guy actually told me this. I don't know if that actually provides any sort of insight on how a healthy, loving and conscious polyamorous relationship could be acheived, but it was interesting to me that these people were more comfortable with dishonesty with several partners than the possibility of having an open and loving relationship with several partners.