[backpocket]

Ok, this is harder than I thought. It seems that thinking endlessly is a habit I've somehow programmed myself to do no matter what I'm doing.

I notice that whenever I'm doing something, my thoughts will immediately be a few steps ahead. If I'm entering the door, my thoughts would be on putting my stuff, getting on my bed, shows to watch. If I'm meeting someone, my mind will run through some scenarios and I'll try to respond and react to them, and sometimes I'll even say it outloud what I'm saying in my head. In fact, right now I'm thinking what would somebody else comment, and what the hell would I write tomorrow.

I noticed too that whenever I have a strong feeling, negative ones anyway, I'll feel like a block, or a stuck feeling in my body. It's usually in my forehead, in the middle of my chest, sometimes even in my legs. But when I'm just present and let my thoughts/feelings run its course, it usually just simmers off and dies away. Whenever I feel anger, frustrated, annoyed, it's usually when I label things/people/situations then wonder why the hell don't these people know better, and I'll feel pissed off. I feel much better when I just keep quiet and observe it.

Some ways I've noticed to really stay present is to use my peripheral vision more. When I'm using tunnel vision, it seems easier for me to slip into those thought trains that run forever but go nowhere. Using some things I've learnt from tai chi, like imagining that the floor is uneven, like water, or always being ready like something would happen anytime helps too. I think active thinking like this would probably help me more, instead of just trying to be an observer with a quiet mind.

I'm thinking of trying some meditation too tomorrow. Nothing too drastic, just 10 minutes in the morning, 10 in the evening, short times like that.

It's hard, but I've been getting a lot of good insights from this experience. It's not until I tried to always be present that I notice I've been sleepwalking all my life.