Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Too bad to stay, not cruel enough to leave

mage · 09-10-2007, 10:53 PM

Hello everyone!

I've been reading Steve's articles a few years back and now discovered that he's now even better than before

I do hope (and after reading a few posts it seems to be) this is a friendly place to discuss such situation.

It's very similar to what Adam11 described here (I need some advice...or motivation) but there are also a few important differences.
I'm in a relationship that lasts for 2 years. It's one of these sacrifice-yourself-to-someone-so-you-make-that-person-happy relationships. My girlfriend has been through a difficult marriage and I was hoping I can help her believe there are good people out there that can love and care. Of course I was loving her and stuff but something very bad happened half a year ago -- we had an atomic explosion kind of fight, we broke, said terrible things to each other and after 15 minutes got back together. But something is bad since then. Like the fire that should be the core of each relationship is gone.

Now, the situation is impossibly difficult for me: she says she loves me, she's mine forever, that I'm good (we do fight, but generally she's happy), her kids are calling me dad, we live together and she moved here from far away, she doesn't have a flat or income high enough to even rent one. I'm thinking about all this stuff since that atomic bomb fight but I'm simply unable to be so cruel to say to her 'It was nice, but you're out. Take your kids, pack and leave'.

So it's a deadlock situation -- this relationship isn't good for me. We managed to set things good enough that none of us (ok, it's usually me who wants more and more) suffers too much but what life is that? In Steve's test at http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...-relationship/ I marked 8 tests with a big FAILURE mark and the remaining 3 as problematic (replace religious question 1 with 'If I could leave and don't cause terrible pain'). That gives us 11 out of 11 negative answers. I know, it's bad.

Now, to the real question: I have a number of ideas about how to improve situation that I'm still trying but inside me I'm preparing for a breakup. Problem is I just won't do it unless I find a way to do it in a way that won't hurt everyone SO much (forcing her to live in poverty or going back to her home city, kids changing schools, father-figure image shattered again, broken lives...). Any ideas?

I don't know what way I'll go but I feel that having an open path in both directions would make my mind clearer and I'll make a better decision.

09-10-2007, 10:53 PM	#1 (permalink)
mage Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 5	Too bad to stay, not cruel enough to leave Hello everyone! I've been reading Steve's articles a few years back and now discovered that he's now even better than before I do hope (and after reading a few posts it seems to be) this is a friendly place to discuss such situation. It's very similar to what Adam11 described here (I need some advice...or motivation) but there are also a few important differences. I'm in a relationship that lasts for 2 years. It's one of these sacrifice-yourself-to-someone-so-you-make-that-person-happy relationships. My girlfriend has been through a difficult marriage and I was hoping I can help her believe there are good people out there that can love and care. Of course I was loving her and stuff but something very bad happened half a year ago -- we had an atomic explosion kind of fight, we broke, said terrible things to each other and after 15 minutes got back together. But something is bad since then. Like the fire that should be the core of each relationship is gone. Now, the situation is impossibly difficult for me: she says she loves me, she's mine forever, that I'm good (we do fight, but generally she's happy), her kids are calling me dad, we live together and she moved here from far away, she doesn't have a flat or income high enough to even rent one. I'm thinking about all this stuff since that atomic bomb fight but I'm simply unable to be so cruel to say to her 'It was nice, but you're out. Take your kids, pack and leave'. So it's a deadlock situation -- this relationship isn't good for me. We managed to set things good enough that none of us (ok, it's usually me who wants more and more) suffers too much but what life is that? In Steve's test at http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...-relationship/ I marked 8 tests with a big FAILURE mark and the remaining 3 as problematic (replace religious question 1 with 'If I could leave and don't cause terrible pain'). That gives us 11 out of 11 negative answers. I know, it's bad. Now, to the real question: I have a number of ideas about how to improve situation that I'm still trying but inside me I'm preparing for a breakup. Problem is I just won't do it unless I find a way to do it in a way that won't hurt everyone SO much (forcing her to live in poverty or going back to her home city, kids changing schools, father-figure image shattered again, broken lives...). Any ideas? I don't know what way I'll go but I feel that having an open path in both directions would make my mind clearer and I'll make a better decision. Last edited by mage; 09-10-2007 at 10:57 PM.