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Originally Posted by bluskygirl  OK, bear with me, I know this is long. I have a friend who is one of my closest friends; we spend a lot of time together. He's a wonderful man. Sweet, caring, honest, etc. After being so close to him for a few years, I began to develop feelings for him. They weren't fully developed but I opted to jump on it and I told him. I had known for almost a year that he had feelings for me, so I was expecting him to be excited- and he was. We "dated" for a week. During that week, he suddenly became a different person. He was unsure of himself, he seemed to need to be with me or around me every moment possible, kept telling me how much he needed me... the best way I can say this is he was exactly like the girl who says "I love you" on the first date and is talking marriage and babies by the second.
He's 8 years younger than I am (I'm 32, he's 24), and I knew that had a lot to do with what I was seeing. He is still in a place where he is looking for approval of a significant other to define him, to determine his worth. I am not there any more, and I know that a relationship that bears the burden of a person's self-worth cannot succeed.
After a week I ended things, and I was 100% truthful about why. He surprisingly agreed with me. He said he knew that he needed those things but didn't know how to NOT need it. I explained that I was not willing to put our friendship at risk for a relationship that already had too many red flags and I wanted to just be friends again. He said that was fine, and he understood.
Sooooo, that was about 5 months ago. Instead of my old friend, he has been moody, sensitive, easily upset (for example, if I don't call him), worried if I'm angry or if he's done something wrong, and perpetually courting me, as if he can somehow change my mind. It has gotten to the point that I am so uncomfortable that I don't want to be around him. I worry about what I say, do and wear because I fear that I might give him the wrong message or mislead him in some way.
I told him all of this a few days ago and his response was that he knew he was doing these things and needed to talk to me more about his feelings. The problem for me is I am so fried from the past 5 months that I don't want to talk about it anymore. It seems like all I've done is try to manage his feelings that I just don't know how to show compassion and patience anymore. How do I move beyond the discomfort to help him?
Do you think it's possible for two people to get past this? Do you think that our friendship can ever be normal again? My sister insists that men and women can't have truly platonic relationships and after this I'm starting to wonder if she's right. I see only things on his end, in the sense of him needing to let go and move on with his love life in another direction. How can I help this process move forward? Is there anything that you think I can do to resolve this? |
Be totally honest about what you want with him.
When you love someone, and they don't return that, it's painful. You have to respect that. I'm not quite in his position, but I understand. Slamhot asked me to not shut the door, but to take it slow on him because he doesn't believe I can manage the ramifications of his disease and doesn't want another heartbreak. And while I know me, I understand his doubts. I don't lie and obscure my feelings: If his divorce was finalized tomorrow and he said, "Let's get tickets to Vegas and marry," I'd entertain it.
Another thing: It's not bad or wrong to fall in love quickly. Slamhot said he loved me on our third date and I returned the sentiment without batting an eye. Just because you didn't return those feelings does not make them bad or make them less true. And that's not exclusively true of young people wanting an S/O to define them. Some of us have quite strong identities.
I've broken up with one person, to date, and remained his friend. The relationship was technically the longest I've had, and we knew it could not last. Almost 2 years, and it was rife with scandal.
Now we can laugh about it, but when he ended it, I was hurt. I'd say it took me six months.