[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

I have tried to change. I can't. I can't change and I can't stay the way I am. Following these facts, death seems a logical option.

Well, I understand this logic. I thought (think?) the same way, and am still capable of thinking that way. I just keep trying to find different ways to change my life.

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

The plain fact is that people don't really change.

Maybe they don't change, but they can, and that's what matters, if you apply that to yourself. I've changed a lot over the years of suffering, but there are core parts that stay the same (beneath the suffering), for me, the best parts of me stayed the same, I lost them along my way, but they are still there and when I am emotionally better-off, I'll try to find them.

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

Concerning your second point, you are right. It is just that I am afraid of the afterlife. Afraid, as some would say, to "compound" my problems instead of getting rid of them.

Ironically, I felt the opposite, due to my beliefs. Yet, more recently, in moments when I confronted actually doing it, it felt scary and horribly black - that, combined with a series of coincidences over the past 20 years (coincidences known to me previously as fraying bits of twine thrown to me to keep me living to suffer another year), is the reason I haven't done it.

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

And I guess that I ask for help because, in my sense, spirits, angels, even God, well, all of those who are partly responsible for the fact that I exist should at least try to do something about this pain, for they are partly guilty about it.

After all, I am kind enough to exist. I didn't choose it. The fact is, if I have to kill myself, after years of receiving no sign, no help, nothing, I might decide to stop existing. Decide that I don't want to have anything to do with their ridiculously stupid "karmic" law, which I didn't chose to live by in the first place. I might decide that, since existence is always going to be that bitter and painful, I'll just stop "being" and let everyone else who is masochistic enough to exist deal with the pain, since they seem to be enjoying it so much.

Again, I understand all this. People here will tell you you did choose to be born and even the circumstances under which you were born. I stopped thinking about whether I did or not--it's not useful for me to establish a belief about that right now. But this is not the same as the Law of Attraction however. I see the Law of Attraction--it explained many questions I had, things that looked so wrong and unfair to me--now I know why they are unfair.

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

To sum up, I guess I ask for their help because I am angry at them, which is exactly what I am becoming : angry, vengeful, hating, to sum it up : "evil".

I've been there too. It doesn't work to pray to die, tried it, and know others who've tried it too. It doesn't work. If you are waiting to die, it is better to try to fix yourself, at least in the meantime, because God or angels are not going to kill you. If you want to die, you have to do it deliberately yourself, one way or another.

If you are open-minded, you might find ways to fix yourself on the website. If you want, I could tell you something I recently started that seems to be really helping me get rid of my bad feelings. I've tried so many things over the years, this is the only thing that actually works.