Bitsy, I will use this post to both answer your first question and to comment on Erin's remark :
I have tried to change. I can't. I can't change and I can't stay the way I am. Following these facts, death seems a logical option. The plain fact is that people don't really change. Some are better than others at playing a game. Btw Erin, in your article about the spiritual consequences of suicide, your metaphor of the actors and the play was more right than you thought : that is exactly what we are doing. We are playing roles, we are reading lines, and none of this is real. Now, if none of this was real, that wouldn't be a big deal, right ? It would even make it more pleasurable, like a game. But what do you do when you stop enjoying a game ? Right ! You plain stop playing it.
Concerning your second point, you are right. It is just that I am afraid of the afterlife. Afraid, as some would say, to "compound" my problems instead of getting rid of them.
And I guess that I ask for help because, in my sense, spirits, angels, even God, well, all of those who are partly responsible for the fact that I exist should at least try to do something about this pain, for they are partly guilty about it.
After all, I am kind enough to exist. I didn't choose it. The fact is, if I have to kill myself, after years of receiving no sign, no help, nothing, I might decide to stop existing. Decide that I don't want to have anything to do with their ridiculously stupid "karmic" law, which I didn't chose to live by in the first place. I might decide that, since existence is always going to be that bitter and painful, I'll just stop "being" and let everyone else who is masochistic enough to exist deal with the pain, since they seem to be enjoying it so much.
To sum up, I guess I ask for their help because I am angry at them, which is exactly what I am becoming : angry, vengeful, hating, to sum it up : "evil".
And ashamed, obviously...
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