Suicidaldude, hello.
You must be getting frustrated by now, with no direct answer to your questions. I'm sorry, as I don't have an answer either. Actually, I have questions for you.
1. I understand you are lonely and you say you are mean and that you hate who you are. I don't understand why your solution to that is to die instead of to change who you are? Why is your solution to stopping this experience to die, instead of to stop being the way that you think is bad, mean, stop being a way that makes you hate yourself?
2. I have been suicidal for years, not at the moment though, and I never once cared about obtaining blessings from spiritual beings for me to kill myself. On the contrary, it was so clear none of them were listening to me at all. I don't understand why you are seeking their approval and it even seems, their assistance in your death? I don't believe there is anything in the universe which would even prompt them to give you their blessing, let alone anything else.
Maybe you could consider the solution in my first question...?
Edit: what Erin said (I wrote too slow
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