Hi suicidaldude,
You may want to consider the idea that it's not your spiritual self that wants to die, it's your malfunctioning brain that's trying to kill you. I would wager that your higher self wants you to live, but your brain is temporarily broken. That's what happened to me a few years ago. If the walk-in hasn't happened, maybe that is an indicator from your higher self that you still have a mission here.
Depression is caused by two factors: biological factors and catastrophic thoughts. The
Wikipedia article on depression has a good overview.
These articles are also very good at describing the basis for depression:
Demystifying Depression - Part I || kuro5hin.org Demystifying Depression - Part II || kuro5hin.org
If you want an inexpensive way to treat depression, you can try the following steps:
1. Change your diet to include a wide variety of fruits and vegetables. Also, reduce the amount of processed foods in your diet (such as products made with sugar and white flour).
2. Take omega 3 supplements, especially fish oil. The lack of omega 3 in the diet of many Western nations is causing an epidemic of depression according to
this doctor. Magnesium supplements may also be helpful.
3. Read about
cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy will teach you to identify depressive thoughts and deal with them effectively.
4. Try to go outside for ten to twenty minutes each day. A lack of sunlight leads to a lack of vitamin D production in the body, which can cause depression.
The Wikipedia article I linked to at the beginning of this message also has a variety of potential treatments.
If these don't work, you may want to see a clinical psychiatrist (not a general family doctor or counselor who may not know about the neurological basis for depression).
Keep in mind that your higher self wants you to live, but your brain is sending you mixed messages and you need to find an appropriate professional who can interpret those messages.