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suicidaldude · 08-28-2007, 01:52 PM

Thanks Dharma for your reply. However, I am really looking for ways to express to my angels, guides, masters, etc. that I am through with life.

I don't really feel like killing myself for 2 reasons : first, because of the pain it brings to others, secondly, because of potential consequences afterwards.

But I really hate who I am. For long, I wondered why I had so many difficulties making friends, why I am lonely so often. Only recently did I realize the reason, which is pretty simple : I am an a--hole : I am arrogant, unfriendly, mean. I wouldn't even remotely like myself if I were somebody else, and I don't remotely like myself now.

Besides, I am becoming really bad, really dark, or really "evil" as some would say. Because of all my bitterness, I am starting to be really full of hatred, and out of any love.

I believe that the spirits refused to grand me death or a walk-out for the same reason : they must not love me, and how could they. I keep repeating how sorry for who I am and what I do, that if I died now I wouldn't have the ability to be this dark/hating person anymore, but I think I am being punished.

I don't think I choose to live. I think I am being punished.

I even start doubting anything I have read about spirituality to be true. I mean, it is probably true for most people, but not for me. For example, I don't think I can have any guardian angels or spirit guides. Who would want to stay by the side of somebody like me and assist me all the time ? I know I woudn't, and I know most people try to stay away from people like me. So, loving beings helping me ? lol !

Some guy told me once that this was called the "dark night of the soul", but after looking into it, I knew it was not what was happening : this phenomenon concerns good spirit.

So here I am. I need a way to die, to finally be heard, and to be able to start becoming a little less evil. But I can't do it in this life, this is just too hard. I need to get a way to get this one wish granted. And afterwards, I know I will start working very hard to change what I am. But I can't do this here.

So I need to die. If anybody has any idea how to get this wish granted, please tell me.

Thank you.

08-28-2007, 01:52 PM	#3 (permalink)
suicidaldude Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 52	Thanks Dharma for your reply. However, I am really looking for ways to express to my angels, guides, masters, etc. that I am through with life. I don't really feel like killing myself for 2 reasons : first, because of the pain it brings to others, secondly, because of potential consequences afterwards. But I really hate who I am. For long, I wondered why I had so many difficulties making friends, why I am lonely so often. Only recently did I realize the reason, which is pretty simple : I am an a--hole : I am arrogant, unfriendly, mean. I wouldn't even remotely like myself if I were somebody else, and I don't remotely like myself now. Besides, I am becoming really bad, really dark, or really "evil" as some would say. Because of all my bitterness, I am starting to be really full of hatred, and out of any love. I believe that the spirits refused to grand me death or a walk-out for the same reason : they must not love me, and how could they. I keep repeating how sorry for who I am and what I do, that if I died now I wouldn't have the ability to be this dark/hating person anymore, but I think I am being punished. I don't think I choose to live. I think I am being punished. I even start doubting anything I have read about spirituality to be true. I mean, it is probably true for most people, but not for me. For example, I don't think I can have any guardian angels or spirit guides. Who would want to stay by the side of somebody like me and assist me all the time ? I know I woudn't, and I know most people try to stay away from people like me. So, loving beings helping me ? lol ! Some guy told me once that this was called the "dark night of the soul", but after looking into it, I knew it was not what was happening : this phenomenon concerns good spirit. So here I am. I need a way to die, to finally be heard, and to be able to start becoming a little less evil. But I can't do it in this life, this is just too hard. I need to get a way to get this one wish granted. And afterwards, I know I will start working very hard to change what I am. But I can't do this here. So I need to die. If anybody has any idea how to get this wish granted, please tell me. Thank you.