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Originally Posted by nistacular  Today I tried to play the ego game, and at first I was talking a lot, sort of knowing ahead of time how people would react.... but then halfway through (we were visiting my brother's gf's family) I sort of got quiet because I suddenly felt awkward. Like "what the hell are you doing, you know this isn't you". But I guess I'm unsatisfied with myself around others... so I decide to play this BS game. |
It's very good that you try and "watch". That's truly how we learn!
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Because I try to act normally as if nothing is wrong, or I somehow lower my state of consciousness to fit in better. I just want to be happy, accepted into society. I'm a very loving person, but no one is able to love me it seems.
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You answer your own question....you can't lower your consciousness to fit in...but your self image is that you are below society because you don't fit in.
That's your contradiction.
You KNOW that you are more consciousness, but you judge yourself to be unworthy. That confusion is your misery. And this realization is the one that allowed me to finally accept me totally as I am and no longer did the opinions of others define me.
That's what ego is!!
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Also one question - do you think you're born with a static 'self love' - or one that can be increased or decreased throughout your life? And do you think people's capacity to love differs vastly in ways that aren't changeable - ex- genetics? Because I think this is one reason I've always been jealous of my brother - he just seems to have more confidence, literally MORE to give than I do. I know I can be just as happy as he is but the key is - it doesn't seem like I can be just as happy WHILE making others happy. Is this just a personality difference - introversion vs extroversion?
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You can't be another's happiness and you know that no one can be your's. And if you stop being another's crutch, you get crucified.
To authentically be you is your only chance at joy, and guarantees that you will be rejected by most of the society around you. But who cares? They are ego maniacs and don't love your or themselves anyhow.
We are innately loving when we are not self-absorbed in confusion.
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| I just... don't feel 'whole' right now. There is no person close to me that understands everything about me. I feel like I'm missing out... I want real intimacy. Do you think I should talk to someone like a psychologist/therapist and just completely open up to him? Because no one understands what I hold inside and I don't want to let out my emotions that others will reject.
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You won't feel whole until you're not confused.
Don't waste your money on a shrink....the beginning of self-healing is that you express yourself. It doesn't matter if it's to a shrink or online or with a friend. It's the expression of self that is healing, not the shrink.
The emotions you can let out alone. Beat up a pillow, have a good cry, run some sprints up a hill. Just getting to know you on this forum, I can hear a much "clearer" mind than before, right? Reread some of your old posts and see if you still feel the same way, or do you feel a bit sharper now?
I understand you only because I know the feeling of being confused. This stuff is like clockwork because the mind is a process. Screw with the process and you get these typical results. Screw the process up by turning beliefs about self and life into mental habits and this is what you get....all-day and all-night confusion.
To get a whole mind, you have to see this exploitation allowing you to stop these beliefs from running your life. Your negative self image belief system is running your life.
Did I tell this quote of mine?
"Stupid" JUDGES "Intelligent" to be "Retarded".
Tell me if that defines your problem socially?
I post a quotes page today...stuff I came up with somehow...
Quotes About Confusion - Taking You To Clarity - Profound-Self-Help.com