Today I tried to play the ego game, and at first I was talking a lot, sort of knowing ahead of time how people would react.... but then halfway through (we were visiting my brother's gf's family) I sort of got quiet because I suddenly felt awkward. Like "what the hell are you doing, you know this isn't you". But I guess I'm unsatisfied with myself around others... so I decide to play this BS game.
What I feel like is my main problem: I take everything personally. No one wants to get close to a guy who takes everything personally. If I was female I feel this wouldn't be as much of a problem (it would still be a problem, but in terms of chances that a romantic partner would find said person date-able, the female who takes things personally has better chances almost guaranteed). I wish I wasn't like this. And I take things personally that I know aren't even meant to be personal. But know one knows "me", so they have never known how to treat me. Because I try to act normally as if nothing is wrong, or I somehow lower my state of consciousness to fit in better. I just want to be happy, accepted into society. I'm a very loving person, but no one is able to love me it seems. My humanity is defined by others... but people can't seem to see me for who I think I am. By this concept http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_(philosophy
) - basically I am a person through other people.
Also one question - do you think you're born with a static 'self love' - or one that can be increased or decreased throughout your life? And do you think people's capacity to love differs vastly in ways that aren't changeable - ex- genetics? Because I think this is one reason I've always been jealous of my brother - he just seems to have more confidence, literally MORE to give than I do. I know I can be just as happy as he is but the key is - it doesn't seem like I can be just as happy WHILE making others happy. Is this just a personality difference - introversion vs extroversion?
Also I have a theory - people are naturally FAR more introverted than they let on, but most people out of habit have been treating people as if they're not people (the US is the absolute WORST in this way - probably the most ego-obsessed country in the world).... I think in places like Russia and maybe China/Korea - their culture often is more genuine in respecting people as people. In Russia they aren't... friendly.. all the time. But when they speak, they usually speak from the heart, and it's just understood that there is an actual connection that happens. I RARELY feel this connection anymore. I think this is why I want to move somewhere else when I am older - maybe Europe somewhere or even Russia (for some reason I really like Russia as well as every Russian person I've met).
I just... don't feel 'whole' right now. There is no person close to me that understands everything about me. I feel like I'm missing out... I want real intimacy. Do you think I should talk to someone like a psychologist/therapist and just completely open up to him? Because no one understands what I hold inside and I don't want to let out my emotions that others will reject.